rehab 2.0 complete!

Finally the hypodermic needle is off from my hand! The doctor says I do not need any more IV fluids bombardment! I finally have a concession that I am going to need only oral drugs!

It sucks to be in a hospital! No wonder, I  escape from the guard and slip into the coffee day  whenever possible- or just love to stroll around and see those kids play in the playfield opposite tthe block I am hosted in Apollo.

It is interesting to see how quickly human brain cribs about small discomforts! Just a week ago - In the ICU I was struggling to lift my left hand and left leg! And now I crib that I do not have enough outdoor time :)

It has been a week - but let me be as accurate as possible for chronicling the events here. This Otherwise usually personal blog of mine- I intend to open it to upto larger audience for scientific scrutiny to help them understand what are the critical factors in battling for health.

C and I were discsussing some plans of how we would launch our next product...19th Morning around 1 am or so - C noticed that I was repeating things and was getting drowsy. i told him that I need to lie down immediately.... something told me i needed blood to flow to my brain. I asked for pillows to be stuffed under  my legs and then I told him he needs to call my dad immediately and to take me to the hospital.I knew I was struggling to speak and noticed some slight slur..So I checked with him "Am I coherent?.. Even though he said "yes" - I wanted a paper and pen and I scribbled "call dad.. Take me to hospital"... I then said search for my uncle's number on my phone and call him or my aunt and listen to their advice. He could not locate their numbers easily... but he could reach dad.

It was gettig scary every minute...I lost sensation of my left leg and left hand. I needed re-assurance.. I held my left hand with my right ... and I told C- "hey..my right hand knows i am holding something.. it might as well be yours! there is nothing which tells me that I am holding my own left hand - except visual evidence that my left hand is in my right hand!."

Even in that time of panic,,, a very interesting thought appeared in my mind "why the hell am I speaking in English and not telugu?". It still is a mystery that I felt at ease with my english than with telugu at that instance.

I always knew that I was blessed/cursed with the ability to analyze my own thoughts... Neela calls it a blessing... but a lot of times I felt otherwise. For a person who can analyze his own thouhgts... a powerful relaxing tool called "rationalizing your acts/behavior" and "blaming it on others or circumstances" is literally non-existent!.

So over last few years, with Neela's help I learnt to be comfortable with myself and not be too harsh with myself. I can never thank her less for her help. She would  credit either "efforts at japa/meditation" or" Guruji's grace...and she could well be right. But intellectual side of my brain tells me it is her extreme patience,  love , care and "extremely practical mentoring " that helped me work on ways to be comfortable with my shortcommings.

The ability to record and analyze my thoughts at "one-level-above" was active even in extreme scenarios. I knew every minute and thought when I had my heart stroke 6 years ago. And ditto last week when my brain was under attack! How else could I explain why I was questioning "dude!why are you speaking in English?" at a time of emergency.

Dad came in ... and I was rushed to Apollo on uncle's advice. I was desperate to vommit on the way .. I had some junk biryani -Remember Swami Vivekananda's suggestion " anything that harms your physical or spiritual progress.. avoid it like poison?"- I hope to remember this piece next time I am tempted to eat anything which can be very harmful!

I needed re-assurance... My left hand and my left leg.... were totally numb.. i kept feeling them with my right hand... sleeping in the backseat. I was happy that I was able to "process" information.. "I was safe to continue to do what I love most - my job -it revolves around  my ability to analyze situations..and motivate my team to next levels... and I was wondering how I could do that if i  cant speak?" Yes - I was getting anxious now!

In retrospect it is laughable that I even thought of Stephen Hawkings... and the ways people have figured out for him to communicate to the world with his fingers! While that was refreshing... a thought said "dude! he is a genius.. you are at best a bit above average levels of human intelligence... the world will not go that far to help you out! They will not invest to understand your thoughts!" So it was clear to me that I had to fight this out by myself!

I could not and I still can not imagine a life with out being able to do what I love most - software and interacting with people! so I was bracing up for the battle...

Then there is something which  came to my rescue...  realized that I can THINK and I am still processing information... huge re-assurance!" And I still can not believe that I remember all this line by line as if someone recorded my thoughts... will have to check with my doctor if this is an evolutionary survival trait that human beings have inherited?" It leads me to believe that every incident is recorded in some format in the universe- I always thought that this whole universe had a "turing machine" which records everything... and one of my theories of God has been that 'God' could well be that machine.. which determines next state based on the current states of this colossal "state-keeping" machine!" Damn! Dr.S would be proud of me if he knew that his most "indisciplined  student who walked into his classes late  often in shorts and coffee in one hand with no notebooks to take his notes" actually is trying to use something from his "theory of computation courses!" after a decade and half  - lying supine in the back seat of a car....


Then I was moved in an ambulance to another center because MRI was not working at that facility! Shows how much we treasure human lives in India! If this can happen at Apollo what could be fate of lesser hospitals and poorer people in our country? 6 years ago- i was in similar shit... the ambulance driver was having "chai" and I lost precious time before i was rushed to a bigger hospital in bangalore! Does that explain why we Indians are so fatalistic about lives?Id that We leave everything to God? Because of human lapses?

Let me not complain too much though.. as at the end of the day .. I was saved on both counts by competent and kind human beings! But I remember barkingout orders to my dad.. " I need the doctor to go with me in the ambulance to the MRI scanning place" ... the CT was done.. and they were now sure it was a clot in the right brain... soon .. medication started... and I was on blood thinners.

Dr. SV came over and said "can you lift your hand?" I tried and I could not... and that scared me a bit.....Then I tried with my leg. After a while... with great difficulty I lifted my hand and leg... and I knew things were going to be normal again! I felt a little embarassed at first but I said " if screaming out instructions to my legs and hands is going to help me I am going to shout "UP up" and then lift them .. even if it would appear awkward to others around me! I was happy that it was working..."Up and up" i could lift both of them a bit !

Every second there was a parallel thread in my head checking for re-assuranaces...

I knew I had the best possible doctors attending to me...dad told me and explained to me that uncle called Apollo team and we have the best people working on me. So i was searching for "what else can i do from my side?" and i had a quick echo "keep positive"


"That is fine but anything else i can do?" Oh yes... there is someone else who can help... who? Guruji!Then my monkey brain went into "is it fair that you go back to him only when you are in distress?" While I have always loved him and Neela as extremely kind, loving and helpful human beings... i was never hundred percent sure about their "other powers"- but yet.. i would shamelessly go back to her and "seek healing for my kids" once in a while... so I said "just shut the f**ck up! I need help and i am going to get it from wherever it is accesible from".. so I started "sitaram chanting" and tried to "connect with Guruji"- Dad called Neela.. I spoke to her.. she said .. I am sending you healing.. do not panic. tell yourself - wherever the clot is.. it should be destroyed by sitaram .. and with that intent.. continue chanting sitaram.. she was clear in her instructions.. she insisted that i not be   specific about the location of the clot (brain).- let the burden of locatin the clot be left to sitaram.I closed my eyes and all ready for carpet bombing to kickin!

i imagined..war planes... flying in my body ... targetting the clot... and aiming and destroying the clot.. i do not know why i imagined fighter planes.. but it was fun.. and i was enjoying the "video game"... soon the mind strayed.. why are you being so agressive? remembered a different blog that i read... and said "this time i will take care of it using love!" love can move things... i prayed gently.. "and started talking to the clot" - "listen buddy! i love you.. but you need to dissolve for me to sruvive! can you please do that? there was silence and I bombarded it again with sitaram. the agression in my thoughts returned... the fighter planes were whizzin around again!"- In retrospect it is actually scary that my mind was jumping around even in crisis and not fully  focused. Now i understand the import of what every saint says "mind is a monkey!"

i moved my left leg and left hand.. but realized i could not control my fingers.. and sometimes the hand was moving involuntarily... i soon started debugging my system.. i drew boxes to represent  "brain"  and "receivers"and i had an instant theory ready to explain this  crazy behavior.. there was 'noise' in the communication between my brain and the receiver... stray electric signals must be firing i concluded.. which is why my hand is moving involuntarily!? or perhaps... the "hand is not able to forget the previous electric signal it received to move it!" - whatever is the explanation - I am not going to dwell on this further - for all i wanted was a re-assurance that i am still able to analyze situations and construct models to explain situations.... so my training in problem solving was not affected! isnt that cool?!?!! this was the biggest re-assurance i was searching for- that i can go back and continue to architect software solutions!

things were getting overwhelming...i suddenly thought about my wife and kids..suddenly i was frightened that V1 might no longer be able to stand on my shoulder and shout "i have grown big!" - my younger one,v2 never did that even once so far. what would happen if i dont get my hand to operate again? i was slipping into negativity? i realized this in no way is going to help me...  i made a quick decision - i am going to manage my negative thoughts and that does not equate to supressing them!! I am going to express myself - i need to flush out this overwhelming negativity and self pity! but how? i told my mother in law that I need to see my dad immediately! And there he was next to me!.. I told him "listen.. I am fine.. but i need to flush out things from my system and i need to cry.. do not react.. just be my side- do not react and do not stop me... i need to get the damned thing out!" i held his hand tight and  i burst out! then my mom came in rushing.. and she started interfering with my plan...thankfully my dad intervened to get her to stop .. so i got what i wanted -  40 seconds of venting out any helpless feelings in my system. i soon felt lighter after i cried out.. it was not easy to not break down when so much was going on. around me. But now it was time to recover and get back... i imagined my lovely sons and me playing again.. and suddenly i found additional strength and hope. i told myself.. they deserve the best in the world.. and i will be there fully fit to present them that!

these emotions fazed a bit and there was an interesting pressure i realize building in me... a few months ago i wrote a mail to afrien who was battling bloodcancer which read something like ' do not let a a stupid imbalance in your blood overpower you! - it hit me back... wasthat just sitting-on-the-fence-remark? or am i going to prove it myself? next time i meet him in Bangalore.. i wanted to tell him.. buddy.. i did exactly what i wanted you to do! and then less than a month.. i told my sister to take life easy and accept everything that is given as a blesssing! and then i would often tell my entire team that if they work in conceptwaves.. i need one skill in abundance  - that i spoon feed none.. and being a part of a small team requires guts to face tough situations and be extremely comfortable with uncertainities.. and now... the stage is set for me to demonstrate what i have been preaching! I will have to take this... and I am going to lead the way in turning tables aroundin any situation.. imagine.. how much more easy it would be if i had a team with me brimming with super energy that they can do any thing thrown at them? while i was lost in these thoughts..


Then I heard the dr. SV  say " how are you amma? can you lift your leg and hand for me?" i have no clue.. but that voice sounded so refreshing and assuring.. i was about to tell him " you do not go anywhere but be around me please!".I tried real hard to lift  and i banged the table hard every time i could move my limbs! i was excited like hell and i needed that momentum.. nothing should stop that flow and rush of excitement! i was now very sure that i am back in  control. I heard my dad tell someone.. " this is nothing short of a miracle"... he came to me.. and told me "i know there is a very strong aura around you and nothing will happen to you... your sitaram will protect you!" - i reacted - "are you sure? or is it just the usual faith kicking -in when nothing else works syndrome comming into play here?" i then told myself "i am not questioning my dad's statement.. for prudence is in believing that i am being protected by some power instead of scientific accuracy of that statement. as an entreprereneur i have been very selective in interpreting signals.. i remember celebrating when i lost my second largest account! when i told my team "this is our second largest account in terms of revenues.. BUT i am glad its gone because it was sucking away disproportionate time from everyone...". i will admit that i feared some team member would laughat me as an incorrigible positive fool! buti decided to apply the same principle here.. if it helps me.. i am going to believe that this is indeed a miracle and i am being helped by a super power! and i do have an invincible aura! Thank you dad for reminding me at that critical time! i felt lot more confident when i acknowledged that.

i was later shifted to ICU after initial treatment and i started recovering ... fingers were clumsy.. i realized i could not hold the blanket and move it... but i knew i was improving... and i knew from here on it is just about keeeping positive and  systematic exercises to get fit again! - and that clearly is in my control - so i was a relaxed soul...

A doctor came and spoke to me ... he said that he was sorry about this .. i know you had a similar incident a few years ago - i quipped " do not feel sorry for me! ironically, doctor ,  i think it is the best thing that has happened to me!it made me realize a lot of things in life.. and since then i have relished every minute i had!"- he was kind enough to say "i understand what you mean ... i am not sympathising with you.. i am just empathizing with you.. he was very genuine in that statement.. and i could see the affection.. when he said "insha- Allah you will get out of the icu very soon ... you are too precious" he touched me on my forehead and pushed my rather unkempt hair backwards when he said that .. Touch can mean so much at times! I smiled back and said " the other alternative does not even exist!".

Then I slipped into deep sleep to be woken up by a young chap from the physio team-  he asked me to smile and was checking if I could smile.. lift my eyebrows etc... and then pull my tongue out and rotate it etc... i just told him.."damn.. pity me dude! i am doing kissing -101 lessons with a guy!" - he said "this will help you in future!"  - i had to tell him .. that i was married and a father of two kids!" we had a nice laugh.it helped me to meet the very thoughtful doctors in the ICU with excellent sense of humor and empathy!

i was asked to touch the tip of my nose with my left hand... they were checking out the extent of damage..to the brain!he smiled and said "man! you are all fine.. why the hell are you here?!?"  i was like "tell me something i do not already  know.- ofcourse i am fine!"

what particularly moved me was the celebrations i could see on every one's face.. every time i showed progress - . from the housekeeping boys to the sisters to the brothers to the doctors were all celebrating every inch of an improvement in my co-ordination skills! i hardly know them.. but that care was genuine.. i could feel that! and i would be lying if i said it did not help me recover faster! It moved me from inside that someone i hardly know was so patient with me .. changing my clothes.. giving me scrubs...brushing my teeth all so cheerfully!I probably will never meet them again.. but they surely touched me! I was thinking of my grandmother during this time.. and how weneed to be patient with th older folks who can not do their work!

the doctor would pinch me and ask me what am i doing? it did not matter whether they touched or pinched - it just felt like someone using a blade and cutting my leg linearly.. it was burning! is there a lesson there?? yes! i was happy being cut with a blade! the burning sensation told me "i was feeling something.. even it it is not accurate- i could not calibrate the type of touch yet ... but i would take being burnt - rather than zero sensation!"- we are always grateful when we see something worse! On any other day i would have cried in pain if someone cut my leg with a blade!- but today was different.. i was welcoming the pain... i knew.. soon i will know the difference between a gentle touch ,a pinch and a real cut! for now - i will take this!

From there... with efforts at the rehab center.. i am almost back to my normalcy .. i could type such a long blog post! I  have now pushed the envelope further! - Guess what ? i am turning left handed by end of 2012 ! i am going to challenge my right brain to the next levels! - i ate ONLY with left hand now. holding the spoon .. use left hand to  carry things around etc!

being able to type this large a blog also means my typing  and multitasking skills are almost back! :) i do not want to spill cofffe again on another laptop because of my left hand forgetting it had a cup in it! :)

i just need to get my balancing skills right.. am not able to walk in a perfect straight line yet!- i will master that by end of this month! need to get my sensory skill also to 100% levels.i am already able to feel different textures with my hand and leg.. so should not be a challenge i reckon!

i can not single out one factor for my 'fastest recoveries from strokes - both heart and brain. but it appears to be a combination of the following -
a) timely access to competent doctors and modern facilities
b) grace of God- " I know God LOVES ME- howeever indifferent i might be to Him at times!"
c) love - from parents, family and friends!- biggest driver was their composure and faith in my ability to turn the tables around!
d) Guruji/Neela and my own japa- these factors probably  should not be ruled out - even if they do not fall under 'conventional' science window
e) presence of mind and positivity and willingness to fight back! and my love for life.. i was not a perfect guy.. but i will not change even a single moment even if you give me a second chance! i have relished every happy moment and learnt from every shock and disappointment... kept correcting myself.. and that is such a huge pride factor for me.


i refused to accept certain things..-  medical literature sometimes fancifully calls this "denial mode"..- i could jog with in 3 days i was out of the hospital after my heart stroke 6 years ago- and playfully driblled a football within 4 days of a brain stroke with my left foot ! explain that if you can with conventional wisdom!
 I do not intend to suggest that one should refute science baselessly.... have the prudence to know when to refute it.. and when to exploit science.

i am a man of science... but sometimes there are larger schemes in life which can not be comprehended by science the way we understand it! as a faithful scientist ( i fancifully call my self one!) - one should be OPEN to everything... science to me is beyond what it conventionally means to most people!

Hence i will not attempt to answer this phenomena by slotting in science and non-science buckets...
talk of  slotting - its an other dangerous ploy of human mind to slot everything into one of the known buckets!

a lot of people  (including a few doctors) try to slot me into one ofthe following categories to explain the strokes...
a) alchohol? - no sir! i drink even coffee ocassionally! leave alone alcohol!
b) smoker? - nope!
c) stresss?-  is what you allow it to be.. most people think  entrepreneurs have sstress... but for me .. i LOVE what i do.. i am passionate about my work! nothing else relaxes me more than what i do... it is like art and music tto me!
d) lifestyle? - excuse me.. i went to gym for 8 years with out a break!i used to play 8 hours a day!lets meet next week - and i can run longer distance than you! in fact last month i could do 45 minutes of sprinting!

no slotting please! doesnt work everywhere.. its a great tool to simplify daily activities in life and i use it too.. but we should know it always does not work!

final words to conclude.. i see no stigma in stating that i survived two strokes... in fact am proud of it... and i will share my story with anyone if it helps them cope with similar incidents in life...and if it helps medical fraternity understand factors that improve recovery chances.

remember just one thing... God loves you! not sure about you! ;-)
But God surely loves me...i know he has given these two hurdles - wait ....are they really hurdles??? depends on how you look at it.. i am glad That He has also given me the intelligence to learn from these lessons and move on in life! He protected me both times.. i could fight them easier with better recovery precisely because i am young to fight them! so over all ... no qualms about what happened 'at a young age'!

let me be humble enough to state one more secret? any idiot can show strength in times of trouble.. that is pure evolutionary mechanism built into us to for survival! But i am setting myself a new standard today... can i live with this heightened awareness of life under normal circumstances... every minute of normal life... i am going to try to set high standards for me for every living minute from today! .. at least i have a support system that can make it happen for me! i would be a fool if i still dont see how beautifully all this is set up for my own good.. God has His special plans for me... I will unravel them with time...

i want to be discharged from the hospital soon and be home for my 8th wedding anniversary with my parents, lovely wife and beautiful kids! and yes get back to work!

Sidekick!

Neela asked me if I wanted to share my views and comments on Dhyanyogi's page and I just was not prepared to take that request up. Its so unlike me - All my life I have loved to be the center of the universe that I lived in. And if someone felt that they valued my opinion - I would have just given spiels of it!

My opinions mattered to people around me and I cherished the attention that I received at each stage of my life. Unconsciously I began living as if the world was created for me and everything around me existed for me!

The greatest lesson I learnt in the last few years was that each man is filled with a lot of ego. We do not even realize that it exists in us. Every desire in us - from greed to lust - can all be traced and explained beautifully if we understand the phenomenal importance that 'ego' assumes in ourselves.

Not long ago, I thought I would make the greatest dad that ever existed and believed that I could teach my son everything that he needed to know! I could teach him math, I could teach him how to handle emotions, I could teach him how to run an enterprise, I could teach him how to prepare for a sports championship - I thought I could just mold him to be a super-human! Only to shockingly realize that I had far more things to learn from him than what I had to offer him!

Can I be like him - when he smiles with reckless abandon? Can I be like him - when he just forgets that he was upset just a while ago and be in his joyous state? Can I be like him - with absolutely no grudges against anyone for more than a few seconds? Can I be like him - Live in the absolute present and not worry about the future? Can I be like him - when he just does what he thinks is right?!?

It just dawned on me that I 'knew' was precious little! It continued to reinforce in me that I am a mere speck of a star in a larger Galaxy! Surprisingly though it did not demoralize me or bring me down crashing! It just helped me understand the bigger picture and the specific role that I had to play in the larger cosmic drama - and I for once was willing to forfeit the crown to others around me.

How else could I explain that I sit only in the last row of the yoga class? - damn! I was NEVER a 'last bencher' in any activity that I participated! How else can I explain that I prefer to be absolutely silent in most activities that I partake in? How else can I explain that I now delegate work more easily at work and try to learn how other people handle similar situations? I am simply loving not living under a imaginary and un-real 'me-centric' world.

The danger of believing that you are the only rock-star is that you inevitably tie up bench marking your worth to the way other people treat and perceive you! You hold your self worth ransom to how others manipulate you!

I love the way I am slowly learning to move away from the central stage and cling on to the only 'permanent friend' - some folks call him Super Power while some others prefer to call him God!

Yes - I will probably go back and write a few lines about Dhyanyogi's teachings. But I pray that I can implement what I write there in my own life. I know I can get away from the 'world' even if I do not follow what I write there - but for me - for my inner self satisfaction - I pray that I have the strength to walk my talk!

Eloquence

What is it about eloquence that used to be so attractive? I know not - but I was always attracted to people who could speak and articulate well. May be it has got to do with my childhood - where I was very introvert in nature and always liked people who could do what I could not - TALK! And TALK WELL!

I was always lost in my own world - most of my thoughts revolved around fairly complex things for a 10 year old - about life, death, consciousness, existence, God and what not! May be that is one reason why I did not find the time to TALK and sharpen my 'communication' skills. And it was but natural that I started to grow fonder of people who could do that.

Then as I grew up, I have compromised on my inner quests - I had far fewer questions not because I found answers to those questions, but because I was convinced that I would not reach answers to them! And then I suddenly seemed to make time for 'interactions with others' in my life. And slowly I started opening up...

And then I entered the corporate life out of college as a fairly extrovert brash kid! Some kind people tried to guide me to be more diplomatic. They tried to teach me 'perception management' - they made me realize 'its not only important to do the work, but also ensure that people perceive it that way'.

It took me three years of effort - to figure out how to navigate the corporate maze! I learnt to make suave presentations and knew how to talk things that decision makers wanted to hear! I could marry the tech stuff along with packaging it to the audience to take note of what I was doing! Yes - I learnt the art of selling. I grew in confidence that I could convince people of anything that I wanted - by just playing with words, phrases and imagination!

I was getting more and more vocal every year - encouraged by the success of how I was able to convince people and make them see what I wanted them to see!

And then over the last few years somehow I just went into a shell - both in the corporate world and my personal life. Its as if the clock has been reset.

I was not born with eloquence, not born with the art of making friends, not born with ability to read people and emotions - I put in several years of hard work - worked on each 'flaw' meticulously over years to make some progress in some of these areas. And after working so hard for years, why is it that I just wanted to let go everything I learnt?

I wanted to build a system on true values which have intrinsic attraction to people - not just because a person can 'talk well' or 'present well'. I started to get a feeling that eloquence is just an ephemeral phase in one's life journey.

The person speaking those words and playing beautifully with phrases should really have implemented those in his life.

Words, I realize are carriers of great energy. They get charged with the energy of the person who speaks them. People gifted with the gift of the gab - can make fantastic speeches - but somehow they do not seem to be penetrating me anymore.

On the other hand, I seem to be paying a lot of attention to much simpler words but they come from people who have stood by what they preach in their own life! Now I do not know how I seem to know it - but I just seem to be able to differentiate between superficially fantastic stories vs. something that comes from 'within'.

Its a full circle. I seemed to have gone into a full shell - not speaking up much for over two years now. I have gone into a rather introspection mode - analyzing and understanding my own self.

The last three to four months have seen a different resurgence though - the itch to speak has come back again - but I know this is a different aggression in life - an itch with a far deeper purpose and meaning. I know deep inside me that I am aiming for a far greater goal I wish to achieve when I speaketh this time around!

Helpless

I can not recall too many incidents when I did not have an opinion. Whether needed or not, whether asked for or not, I always seemed to have an opinion! Right or wrong, but at least I had a point of view.

But this week - I do not have an opinion on the blasts that rocked mumbai. I was and still am desperate to know what I can do to contribute to lessen the misery and anguish of the people who suffered. What can I do to ensure that such an attack does not recur again?

I am not looking for a knee-jerk emotional reaction (though I confess it took great effort to keep some tears rolling down as I watched or recollected the events on the tv).

Honestly... I do not know. I do not want to sound that I do not want to do anything.

What can I do? I can vote? whom should I vote? Tell me one competent guy among those who stand for election?

Tell me one politician who has not politicized even this event. Do they even have the 'c' of conscience?

May be its a weak moment, but I feel I have lost faith in democracy. At least in the form that we see it in India today. We are democratic only on paper.

If we truely are democratic, can a common man with a salary of Rs.10,000 per month become the chief minister today? I woke up to a rude shock! We are pseudo-democratic... the guys in power are the only ones who will always remain in power. And yeah you get a great 'democratic choice' between one of the two asses who stand up for elections!

I have been trying to condition myself that hatred can not stop hatred. Its only love that can dissolve hatred. Heck... again call it a weak moment if you will... but I just am fuming with hatred, anger and the most ill-feelings against those wretched politicians who not only brought us to this stage, but also have let us down so badly through their insensitive responses to the terror attacks.

Yes... I am observing all this. But what can I do?

I live in a democracy! True! Please ... provide me an OPTION to vote for. Please provide me a LEADER!

I know I sound like a real looser when I talk in this helpless tone. But... this week... there is no denial that I feel like one!

I do not know how to channelize my anger, pain, disappointment... but the least I can do is to remember those families who have suffered in my prayers.

God bless all the noble souls who fought for us. Salute to them!

4 years with a woman!

I respect women. A few months ago I happened to see an orkut profile of a guy who says he respects women ... and it freaked me when I noticed that all his 300+ friends were only women! Now thats not what I mean by respecting a woman!

I respect a modern woman. And modernity to me does not mean skimpy clothes. I see so many women talk so much about how "beauty is far deeper than skin"... but don't miss out a chance to spend extravagant amounts of money and time just to superficially look attractive.

I respect a woman of substance. A woman who can handle things that matter. A woman who knows how to handle a career and yet not compromise on the housefront. A woman who is confident of her worth. A woman who truely is independent in the real sense of the word. A woman who is ready to take on the world!

Heck! I have been married to such a wonderful woman four years ago!

Neither my friends nor I ever had the slighest inkling that I was destined to marry at 25! That I thought was too early to get married. And then they did not expect that I would go the "traditional arranged marriage" route. But then who can predict things?

And I recall the first meeting - where I asked her a few questions what most would find bizzare for selecting a partner for life. "Idealogically do you like communism or capitalism and why?"

Now you know why I call her a woman of substance? If she can handle a geek like me then that should tell you a lot about her!

In fact I am quite a boring character to hang around with. I don't watch much tv, I don't listen to music, I don't go out to parties, I do not watch movies... heck I don't even drink tea! I sometimes marvel at the way she has adapted to the way I live over the last four years.

I can be extremely unromantic too. I somehow believe that love has to grow with time and it has got lot more to it than 'pleasantries' and trips to exotic locations! And for me it always meant standing up and doing things when it mattered! And that sounds quite impressive as I write here, but the side-effect of that could be that you can become extremely unromantic... no frequent candle-light dinners, no hanging out to movie theatres... And she has taken all that in her stride. And I really wonder if I could ever adapt so much.

Year after year, I started noticing how lucky I was... I started unraveling qualities which made her command more respect.

I saw her courage when she handled things when I was in the ICU for a while. I saw her determination when she managed to do her Woman entrepreneur course from IIMB - all while managing her work and her daily household chores. I saw her empathy when she she voluntered to teach kids from Government schools on weekends.

She learnt to cook, she learnt to run the house, she learnt to handle the priorities right, she learnt to handle my mood swings and temper... and what fascinates me is that she is always willing to LEARN and CHANGE!

And I think I have not seen a better daughter-in-law than her! That to any guy is the biggest gift a wife could bring to him! Well... almost... the exception being when both your mother and your wife gang up against your wishes sometimes!

On this fourth anniversary, I can pledge that I love her 4 times than what I loved her on the first anniversary! The more I have been discovering about our marriage... the more joy it has been bringing in.

Cheers to the woman who made it all possible!

No Hurry!

"How often do you read Gita?" quipped Hannah staring at the book I was holding in my hand. I smiled back at my co-passenger on the train and replied "I try to read it everyday. But usually at least two days in a week for sure."

And her curiosity did not seem to stop there. She was quick to ask "Why do you read it?" I smiled and replied back saying that I enjoy reading it and that it answers a lot of questions that I seek answers to.

The next question really startled me - where are you going after this life? Hell of Heaven? WoW! I tried not to show my surprise and smiled back saying "I do not know!"

It felt very eerie that the only phrase I was using for the next barrage of questions from her was " I do not know!" The fact was I really did not know!

I guess she was exasperated with my constant mono-dimensional "I do not knows" and it showed up when she said "does it not frustrate you that you know so very little about this life?"

I smiled back and said " I want to know... But I am not in a hurry!"

I do not know why I was smiling all through my answers! May because those troubled questions regarding life have bothered me enough all through my childhood. I remember troubling everyone with those questions very early in my childhood. It was even more difficult for me to understand "life" specially during the phase I was an atheist. With out the framework of God, it was extremely difficult to grasp the essence and meaning of life! And now in front of me is someone who is questioning my "curiosity" (or rather lack of it) towards understanding life!

Its not that I understand life. Its not that I do not want to know about it. It is just that at this stage of my life I just am willing to persevere and wait till I understand what it is. I am not talking about intellectual definitions here. I want the answer to come from within me - I cant really explain what I am searching for... but the quest is on!

Now that is something which did not go well with her. That I was willing to wait for the answers! She mistook "waiting for the answers to arrive" to "no interest in knowing the answers!" And she quickly said "what if you die before you know the answer?" Well, what if I die? I die! There is nothing much I can do if I die before I know the answers... and I just put the question back to her "yeah ... so what can I do if I die earlier?"

The most interesting question she asked me was what I meant by living life to the fullest? That was an answer I had given her for one of the million rapid fire questions she posed! And now she needed an explanation!

That really set me thinking.... she prodded me and asked if "fullest" for me meant "pleasures". I did not answer... i was still contemplating what exactly living my life to the fullest meant to me. Was it fun, pleasure, recognition, fame, success? I did not know. But I was sure it was none of them.

I want to live a life where I can really live the way I know is the right way to live. A life where I truely internally realize that all life springs from God and be compassionate towards every life form. Now saying that intellectually is one thing and practising it is other.

Practising by deeds is tough. But try doing it even at the thought levels, and you will know the challenge it is posing me every day! Can I forget and feel no animosity for anyone? Can I wipe out all the anger in me at a subconcious level? It is one thing to 'talk' about love for all creatures, it is another thing to restrain your actions to show that. And it is yet another thing that even at the level of your subconcious you harbor no ill feelings even to people who have been unfair. Can I ever get to that state of empathy? I do not know... but I will try ...

As I thought further, Living life to the fullest also meant that I contribute and do justice to all the intellectual gifts that God has bestowed on me. I realized that intellect breeds arrogance. I also learnt that intellect with out ability to empathize with other people's needs leads only to the downfall of the self. I have lived most of my life in the past as if I was the Sun and everyone else revolved around me like the planets. I would consider that I would have lived my life to the fullest the day I sincerely, from with in, bring in a realization that I am just a tiny spec of dust on the periphery and if I can put others needs at par with my own. Its easy for me to speak all this at an intellectual level, but to do it and to do it consistently before I die is what I would seek.

Living life to the fullest? Does it also not include the courage to accept the mistakes I did and then with determination and grit work on correcting them?

and ... and....

Now so much was going through my mind, but I did not want to scare a stranger away... so I smiled and said "a life where I live to my full potential!"

And then she came to the original question ... "now tell me... you do not know most of the answers that you are seeking for. Why do you read that book then?"

I was a little baffled and I said "thats exactly why I read it!"

"So you have all the answers there?"

I said "May be! I want to find out!"

Then she was back again "do you know where you are going to after this life?"

For a second, I wondered if she was sent from the other world to deliver me away from earth! I got a little curious and I responded with another question... "do you know where you are heading to after your life?"

Pat came the answer - "Heaven!"

Why? Because Jesus will take her to Heaven. Because she has faith in Him.

I was happy for her. And I honestly admired her for the conviction and faith she had in God. Here I was, at a stage of struggling to understand God, Life and nuances of karma - and in front of me was a girl who seems to have understood it all!

I smiled.

But she had more to say... "Please go and get a bible.... read it and you will find all the answers!"

"Sure! When I get time, I will definitely read it", was my response. She did not seem to be happy about it. She insisted that I read it with out fail and subtly indicated that it will clear things that Gita could not answer for me so far.

I was surprised but I was still smiling and said "If you ever read the autobiography of Mahatma Gandhi, you would realize that Gita was his guide whenever encountered tough questions in life. So it is not necessarily the book alone, it is ultimately the recipient who needs to be of a certain standard to receive the knowledge. And it is obvious, that unlike the Mahatma, I am just a beginner on this path and hence I do not find all answers yet! But, yeah... I am definitely open to read the Bible!"

That did not seem to make Hannah too happy. But I still should thank the girl to set me thinking on what exactly living life to the full really means to me!

While I was about to get off the train, she again said "read the bible and it will answer all your questions!"

I have not read the Bible yet directly, but I firmly believe ultimate realization depends on the sincerity and maturity of the recipient of the knowledge and not just the book - be it the Quran, the Bible , the Upanishads or the Gita! And I promised myself to strive to achieve that purity in deed and thought, so that someday I will resonate internally with what I read!

Religious but not Spiritual!

My cousin noticed that I pulled out a book before I hit the bed. She was kind of startled... "what? you ok? you reading Bhagavad Gita?"

Now these kind of reactions have not been very uncommon these days. The other day my wife was a bit visibly disturbed too. She asked me if this was the right age to think of spirituality?

Made me ponder if things have changed so much in my life that people started noticing them? If they did, damn! I am mighty pleased about it! For I think the direction I have chosen is to improve my life and definitely not a retrograde step! And what has age got to do with being spiritual or not? Its the experiences (and what you learn from them) which show you the right path.

I am struggling to be spiritual but I always felt I was farther from the destination than from the source of journey! Yes, I turned religious - that was easier! It has become a fad for people to claim that they are "spiritual but not religious!" Go around and you would see that on descriptions of most orkut profiles!

I will have to confess, inspite of the visual changes that people have been in noticing in my approach to life, I still believe I have at best turned religious. My spiritual journey is yet to start!

Turning religious was not easy for someone who was an atheist for a long while! For someone who believed that even utter chaos could be explained rationally! Even today, I do not want to get into an argument and support the existence of God. My thought process is clear - when I believe in His existence, I am at peace! And thats what matters to me! PEACE!

While being religious may be comparitively easy, even the attempts to turn spiritual are much tougher

I practise very simple exercises to get ready for the spiritual marathon. For example, with practice over 6 months, I now can turn away from the most mouth watering dishes - just with out a second thought! A few months of practise allows me to walk even in the most crowded place with the most beautiful looking girls with out giving any one even a second look.

Now lest we conclude that I am depriving myself of the beauty and pleasures of life, I feel lot more content and happier inside me that I can say NO to any kind of distraction at my will.

Its not that I have given up on sweets. Its not that I have given up on materialistic comforts! Its not that I stopped all my work and started meditating!

In fact, I work harder than ever before. Work keeps my mind uncluttered from negative thougts. It helps me not to think evil of anyone. I work because I realize my potential to contribute to this world through my work. It is no longer purely because of some self agrandizement. I do not claim that the last vestige of selfishness in me is removed - but I can definitely vouch that I am lesser selfish today than what I was yesterday!

And I do know that even my blogs have turned quite serious in nature. Am I aware of it? Heck! Yes! Because one of my first test beds to keep a check on my 'expectations' started on the blogs! When I look back a few months, it suddenly stuck me that I was writing for appreciation of others! While a genuine wish for being appreciated is nothing wrong, but I realized that I did actually visit other people's blogs not necessarily because I enjoyed them, but because that would return the favor and write a few comments on my blog too! I stopped blogging for a few months at a stretch for I had some serious thinking to do - whether I was blogging to 'socialize'? Whether I was blogging to seek 'attention'?

I decided that I will blog once again ONLY when I have learnt to work for myself. I decided that I would visit only those sites which I genuinely love to read. Not because I want them to come back and read my blog! Yes... if someone was interested in reading and sharing their thoughts they were always welcome... and surely it would make me happy... but blog I would ... primarily for myself! And that perhaps changed the complexion of the canvas... because now it started becoming more of 'bouncing board' to clear my concepts of bettering my standards of living.

A similar example was with my rather long hair. Wanted to grow it again... and I asked a simple quesiton "why?". The answer was a resounding "attention" and "appreciation" from others! Straight I went to the barber and ordered for a summer cut!

I have not turned spiritual yet... Its an ocean that I see in front of me. My limbs are not yet strong to help me swim across and hence my status at best today is "religious not yet spiritual!" I am just trying the swimming pools to strengthen my chest and arm muscles to take on the violent ocean later!

X-aholic!

Every entrepreneur is warned that he has to let-go his personal life before he ventures out on his own. I never really bought into the fear of risk nor loosing your personal time. For I always believed that if you strived enough, you could still get time for your game of tennis in the morning, help your wife a bit (well, atleast you can pretend to help her!), find time to relax and yet work like there never is going to be tommorow!

I thought I maintained that balance quite well for a long time. But recently I realize I am getting addicted to work. I realize that I have not taken a single day off from work in a few months at a stretch now - no sundays, no festivals, no nothings!

I tried justifying it and rationalizing it. But my mind now is kind of stubborn and repeats a very tough question. Is it ok to be addicted to work?

Being a Workaholic - is that acceptable? How different is the lust for work different from lust for alcohol or women? Not very! An addiction is an addiction! Just that being workaholic is a little more culturally accepted norm and probably a little more respected compared to lusts of other categories!

If you go and ask a woman who smokes, she probably would shrug her shoulders and say .. hey you just dont belong to 'my culture'! That doesn't make smoking right - does it? I am not talking about just health reasons here - I am talking about it in a broader scheme of things and I think I would never encourage anyone to smoke. Now half my friends smoke, that doesnt make me hate them - but surely that does not make me approve of the act either!

Now, given my strong reservations against any kind of addiction, do I excuse myself from being addicted to work? I could not play for a month (ofcourse my knee is hurt - but thats an excuse only for a week), and I could not even spend much time with my wife who is carrying a 4 month year old baby! Why? Loads of work! Its not the time I spend at work that disturbs me - but the fact that I could not just leave it at office and it keeps constantly revolving in my mind... which earlier was never the case. But these days it scares me if I am getting addicted to work!

Being workaholic may be socially acceptable and in some cases even be laudable. But for me there are some universal, invariant principles which do not depend on interpretation of culture! And one such rule that I have been learning over the last few months has been not to get addicted to any damn thing in this world - NOTHING!

Can I walk away from anything in this world and not think about it for the second time if need be? Now that does not mean I want to avoid work and not contribute. I feel blessed to have been given the intelligence and energy levels to deliver and contribute in my own little ways to the people around me. And I will never retire into "not doing anything". I want to work with the same energy that I have now... but if need be, I want to be able to switch to ONLY the present.

If I am at home and I talk to my mother, I want to be present just there... not think about office emergencies! Perhaps I am getting there.. or so I thought!

But then I am not too sure how much progress I have made in that direction. Since I did not have a break from work in a few months, a couple of days ago, I called S and proposed that we go out for a long drive. He was ready. I had to break from work! I just had to! We drove around, spent some time in coffee day and off we were driving again. In the beautiful rain that lashed out, we were chatting till I realized it was 1:30 am! And I was about to head home after dropping him at his appartments. Thats when I realized the irony... that I ended up discussing the next expansion plans of my company and validating strategy, processes, pricing and what not with my classmate! The very thought scares me... am I that deeply addicted to work?

It scares me... But the only silver lining is that this has been only a recent phenomena. And since the symptoms have been diagnosed quite early, I hope to curb the addiction with a little more effort!

No Shame Please!

I remember when I was in my late teens, I was almost arrested by the police because I stood up and raised my voice against a policeman using unfair force in bullying a rather helpless guy at the railway station. If not for the timely intervention of my dad who came running from behind, I would have ended up being beaten up and thrown in the jail that evening.

For a long time I have been struggling to understand why I have lost that "courage" to stand up for what I believe is right. Was it education? Was it the "influence" of people around me preaching me how important it was to be "diplomatic" and "practical"? I know not, but I surely confess that I had lost a few of my traits and regretfully even compromised on my value system.

I remember a few years ago, I picked up sprite and poured it in my glass and not my usual 'orange' colored mirinda/fanta at a party. Why? Because I wanted people to think I was sipping vodka! I didnt want to be the only guy left out from the "crowd". To be "cool", may be I wanted them not to know that I keep away from alcohol.

A couple of months ago, I saw a grasshopper perched on my bike mirror. In an attempt to get it back onto the tree, I accidentally hit it the other way. It fell right in the centre of the road instead of the trees on the side. I kept looking at the little green creature trot and trying to move to the other side of the road. With so many vehicles whizzing past, it was not an easy task. I kept looking but did not budge to help it - inspite of the fact that I was the guy who was actualy responsible for it to be thrown into that situation. Why? I was thinking "what would the onlookers think of me? That I would go with a paper and save such a small insect and leave it back in the trees?"

I could not stop thinking of the grasshopper even while I was driving back home. Something kept haunting me that yet again I failed to stand up for what came from my heart. I still can remember the little green fellow and the "dot-like" eyes it used to stare right back into mine while it was perched on my bike mirror. I still feel as if it was asking me "was it more important to give into your false ego than to save me from a potential runover by a truck?"

A month ago, I saw a few guys sleeping on the footpath. I just walked on, as if to say "I do not care!" But something kept haunting me again... is it right for me to just walk away from the incident? Am I really that helpless? Would I not have bent backwards to keep one of my customers delighted! And if that earns me a tag of being "extremely professional in business", then what shameful tag should it earn me to just walk away as if I was blind to the poverty and despair around me?

I do not know when I last had even a weekend for myself away from work. Am I running away from a stream of disturbing thoughts that seem to be comming up from deep inside by keeping myself insanely busy? I am not able to answer my own conscience if I have lost my way somewhere in between.

I ought to change myself. And I resolve to do that. And the little step in that would be that I will not hesitate to express and execute what I think is right - atleast in small ways.

I started gazing at the moon as I walk back from home every night from work amidst the cool breeze and I tell myself that I am made by the same creator that made that white heavenly sphere. And I also tell myself that even that moon is not blemishless but it still is so beautiful. So with all the weakness I have, I still wish to make an effort to bring out some beauty in the life around me.

And last week, I was on the tennis court, I am terribly proud that I stopped, picked up an ant from the court and left it in the safety of the grass blades outside the court. This I did while the other three players waited and were looking and smiling at what I did! Now, thats a small step in the direction I want to go... I do not want to be ashamed or feel shy to express what I think is right! I want to live for myself - and with my beliefs even if the whole world mocks at them. I pray that God gives me the courage and will power to stand up for what is right.

Step # 2

The most difficult thing in excercising control is the initial oath. When I read that from Gandhiji's "Experiments with the truth", I started pondering on his observation from his life.

Now, its no more just an academic read. I can now see why he states so. I struggled a lot to take up the vow of turning vegetarian. Myriad of questions thronged my mind. Self doubt about my ability to have my will under my control was the most daunting.

But once the ship started sailing, it was not that rough a ride. Yes, there was some craving for the hyderabadi biryani or the prawns curry for a while in the initial days. Today, I do not even feel the temptation to deviate from my stand. Yes, sometimes the craving kicks in - trust the mind to do it! But that craving just whimpers away as a small rat on the big stage! Its gone even before I notice it!

Encouraged by my own little success, it has given enough confidence to take the step #2. Yesterday I have decided to start version 2 of the changes. Its about killing each of my bad habits - this time its about my thought processes.

I made sure that I have nothing accessible to me which could potentially entice me back to my old style of thinking. I thought that would be the easy part, but believe me it looked like someone was screaming at me not to embark on this new route. There was a huge pull to hold me back! I dont know how I fought that demon called inertia but I decided to set sail on my next interesting voyage.

I have been going through some withdrawal symptoms in trying to adopt this new system in purging all my thoughts. But if I were to go by my experiences of my first set of experiments and their results, I have a belief that sometime sooner or later this will be internalized in me. I do not have to consciously fight it out.

I do not know if I currently have all the wherewithal to reach the destination I have set out for. But I do know that I will find my ways to get there if I work hard enough. I am not under the impression that controlling my thoughts (not just actions) is any easy ask. But theres the target I set for myself and over a few years (or may be a few decades) I hopefully would have weeded out all that symbolizes impurity in me.

And yes! I am enjoying the sailing part as much as the joy of anticipation of reaching my destination! And thats such a big encouragement for me to keep sailing!

How old art Thy?

A few years ago, I had to adjust to being called 'uncle' from 'anna'! I was making a mapping in my mind that I have grown older and should slowly accept being called 'uncle'. Not that I had issues, it just sounded funny that the same guys on the street playing cricket would now yell at me "Ball please UNCLE!" Now that was half a decade ago.

Come another six months, and I am eagerly waiting to be addressed as "DADDY!" Heck! I am growing older day by day! :P

Its not always that you want to be young. Infact sometimes I wish I looked older. When I used to meet people to talk about my software product, I was amused when people used to enquire about my age - does it matter I used to ask myself? I am here to talk business with you. I am here because of a belief that I can add value to your business and why should you be bothered about my age?

One of my dreams from the company I set up is to facilitate education in remote areas of India. In this regard, I once went on a trip to some rural and semi-urban areas to check out the technical feasibility. I almost fell off my chair when one gentleman in Bhimavaram first asked me my age and then followed up with whether I was married! And that was even before I explained to him about my software that should help him! My uncle later explained to me that he was looking for a suitable "groom" for his daughter! (Now! What a way to find a son-in-law! - Shaadi.com - are you listening? )

And then I started taking it as a compliment. Specially when they tell me that they could not tell me apart from the kids preparing for their 12th class exams! :) But then, while it did make me feel happy, I soon realized that I desperately needed to look older if people were to take me serious! I am not here to feel flattered, I am here on business!

My father's brother has a similar issue. He is one of India's finest liver transplant surgeons in India, but since he is quite young, he jokes around that he tries to look older to help his patients psychologically! :)

Now I wonder what it is with age? I have also fallen into that trap of believing that the older a person is, the more responsible the person shall be. But I was proved utterly wrong. So these days I believe that a person is who he is ... nothing to do with the age! Age brings in wisdom only to those people who value their experiences and better their thoughts, actions and behavior by each passing moment. Age has effectively zero significance in adding to wisdom for people who choose to have a very short term memory of their experiences and continue to behave in an irresponsible and reckless manner.

Having said that I learnt that age has got nothing to do with wisdom or trustworthiness of a person, I still do my best to look older when I meet my potential customers. I am an engineer who loves to interact with the market even though I do not come from a sales background. But I take my sales pitches very seriously. When it comes to age and looking older, I make sure that I am in formals when I step out of my office.

Otherwise, when I go to my office its always a t-shirt and shorts for me. Since when I am in my office, I do not need to pretend to be more "wise" with my colleagues. In fact, I should confess that I like it when they call me "bhaiyya" or "anna", so much so that "sir" has been officially banned in my office :)

Just a couple of days ago, after quite a gap, some one actually asked me the same "dreaded" question - "Raghu, how old are you?". Believe me! That was the first question he asked me! But I actually felt happy when he asked. For I could make out that he asked me not to doubt my capability in delivering on my promises. He genuinely felt happy with the energy levels I showed in my pitch and he just wanted to know a few details about when I started my company, etc etc. At the end of the meeting, he entrusted me to rollout tuningfork for all his 70 schools. Now that was the biggest deal I ever closed! May be its time that I can call myself a sales-pro now! :P

Nah... I am better off being an engineer :) Old or young, doesn't matter... as long as people like me for any little value addition that I bring into their organizations and their lives!

Fives?

Yet another tag from Impulsive Outpourings. Two tags on the same day? I guess this a way of taking your revenge for cheering for you in your TT matches? ;)

(1) What were you doing 5 years ago?
Working at India Software Labs, IBM.

(2) What are 5 things on your to-do list for today?
Zzzzz... (5 Zs in the snore) as I intend to sleep in a few minutes! :P

(3) What are 5 snacks you enjoy?
I will list them out only if you promise to deliver them to my house.

(4) What are five things you would do if you were a billionaire
Here is my ICICI account number - 341267845 - Please do the needful and I will practically demonstrate it to you! :P

(5) What are five jobs you’ve had?
Do you work for jobsahead.com? ;) Sorry.. am not looking for a change right now!

One Veggie Mc Please!

For twenty nine years, I can barely remember when I ordered a Veg pizza or a veg burger! I wasn't too sure if I could keep up my resolution of turning vegetarian!

Three months ago, I resolved that there needs to be some wholesale changes in the way I live my life. And one of them had been in controlling what I eat. I must confess that the very next day I broke my resolution as I gave into the temptation of eating chicken biryani. That incident raised a lot of self doubts in whether I can actually go about implementing the changes in my life that I was seeking for.

There is one quote which kept ringing back in my head.... "only the worm does not stumble! Everyone else does!" I resolved to have more control over my senses this time around.

Everytime I saw those helpless hens clipped off their freedom and being butchered, it made my resolve stronger. I asked myself the tough question - "is my momentary pleasure more important than their lifetime agony?"

Controlling diet was not alien to me. Being a fitness freak I always maintained a well balanced diet. But the reasons this time are very different - its not about health, its not only about compassion to other living things, but its about controlling from indulgence.

There has been so much going on in my life externally. Infact so much happening on my professional front that I have to consciously slowdown to strike a balance with my personal life. But I think last few months have been so hectic in a different direction... an urge to conquer my earthly desires. Being an entrepreneur, it is not the easiest thing to strike a balance of controlling the desires and yet strive for betterment of the setup that I run. But thankfully, there have been multiple sources from where I get my direction and inspiration.

Books, my teacher and my own innerself - have been very useful in helping me show the direction. A book which has profoundly influenced my decision to turn veggie is Mahatma Gandhi's "My experiments with the Truth". I have heard from various sources (including my recent 'art of living' classes) that the food we eat dictates our senses. But I must confess that I have been "arrogant" enough to believe I was a very strong-willed person and I could control my thoughts without resorting to changes in dietary habits. But as I read through Gandhiji's autobiography, one question started staring in my face - "What the hell do you think of yourself? A Mahatma like Gandhiji found it useful to control his diet and where do you stand?"

Yes... sprouts for breakfast soon replaced dosas and vadas. Am not able to give up spices completely yet. But here is a start and I must say that I see a lot of changes in me already.

I started hesitantly but in the last 3 months, I have had various ocassions of temptations. But I will tell you that the happiness and pride I have in not giving in for those momentary pleasures is immeasurable.

According to Gautama Buddha in Dhammapada, one who conquers himself and his desires is a thousand times more powerful than the warrior who has slain a thousand men on the battlefield. Now when I read that, surely I was inspired to try that. But I will admit I was scared too. I doubted whether I can even start the journey.

My teacher encouraged me to meditate to calm down my inner conflicts. Again to be honest, my "ego" started dancing and I said "I dont need meditation to cool me down! I am born intelligent and I shall find answers through my intellectual skills!". But then something prodded me to start meditation which definitely introduced me to what I now consider as the finest form to connect with the one-ness of life! Well, its not all rosy and I still struggle very hard to feel that bliss, but I will confess that I do notice that meditation gives me a lot of strength from within. It generates a feeling of compassion to life (specially the weaker ones) which most probably was absent (or at best inactive) in me earlier.

I can sometimes get a little difficult to handle for my over eagerness to do things in a fast pace! Everytime my teacher tried to congratulate me on every little step I could take, I would always ask her if there would be a day where I could walk free from all temptations even with options and temptations right around me!

As if to answer my question, I had to make a trip to the Forum mall with my wife. I wondered if I could really keep up my experiments when I walk into a place of so many distractions! I have resolved not to give any girl a second look however beautiful she might be! And here I am walking into a place like Forum where all the girls would come in their best attire, some of them even in short skirts. I wondered if I could still walk through that crowd with out reacting to any of the external stimulus. I have not been 100% in the past in this experiment - I think I did turn around a couple of times to have a second look in the last few months - and here I was wondering if I could actually do it in the shopping mall.

I went around the mall... spent sometime with the books there in Landmark. Surprisingly I did manage not to give anyone a second look even from the corner of my eyes! We walked to Mc Donalds. Feeling a bit odd, but with out a second thought I proudly said "Veggie Mac Please"! Yes I said VEGGIE!

The evening reassured me that I was capable of sticking to my resolutions if I try hard enough. Sticking to my resolutions for three months by avoiding to go to the eating joint is one thing. But to turn it away when it is just a 'pick away' is something different! And I felt elated with that.

The same evening also showed me to let go all the things that my intellectual brain ever taught me and to embrace and listen to my inner voice. But then things do not end here...

What I really have achieved here is to control my actions not necessarily the thoughts. The urge to take care of my stomach and other senses still lingered on. It is just that I have learnt to refuse to give them any leeway. But an ideal situation would be to not even your thoughts wander. Tall ask, but I would believe that would be the next logical thing to follow. And I seek encouragement from what caught my attention from Bhagwad Geetha - "When you abstain from the object of desire (maya), the urge still lingers on. When you realize your full potential with the help of Grace even that urge gets annihilated!"

Well... that could take a lifetime. Atleast this time around I would not want to be arrogant to believe that its a cakewalk!

Seven Life Savers!

Life is getting stale... and I was wondering what seven things could breathe a bit of freshness into it!

Here is the list of seven path breaking inventions that I feel will have to be made sooner than later! ;-)

Invention 1: Metallic Bed sheets
Yes you heard that right! Poor Wifey spends half her little free time on setting up that bed! I wonder why she doesnt understand that there is actually no need for setting it up. It takes less than 2 minutes to get the creases all over again! If she understood she wouldnt yell at me that I am a pig wallowing on that bed! But instead of attempting the almost impossible task of convincing my wife that I am a homo-sapien, and that bed sheets are meant to be creased, I wish someone invented metal bedsheets - crease free .... no need to fold... just slide them on!


Invention 2: The flying broom!
Traffic? How I wish someone invented the flying broom on which you could perch on and fly over everyone! I can then also go back to TYS and tell him that you dont need to be necessarily short to get strategic angles of watching the pretty bangalore babes! :P

Invention 3: Keys with a tring-trong

I misplace my keys so often and its such a drain of my energy! I misplace my phone too... but my phone is more behaved and loyal to me! I just need to call and it will answer me back with a ring - "hey! You left me here! Pick me up!" - I wish keys also came up with a number and responded just like the phone!

Invention 4: Wireless Power

Wires! Just hate them! Look at my laptop in the office and you will know what I mean! And btw, I use lots of wireless gadgets...my router, my keyboard etc... Inspite of that you can see so many wires all over! All my USB ports are clogged! Yes I hear you .. bluetooth! But I want even electric power to be transmitted wireless! How about charging your mobile phone through a wireless mechanism?

Someone said that you might die of a shock if electricity got transmitted through the air! Well I would die of stress anyways when I see so many wires!

Invention 5: Diet Pizzas

I feel miserable and guilty everytime I hog on anything tasty! Some unwritten rule seems to be that everything tasty ought to have calories attached with it! Can someone make the same yummy pizzas with out the calories in that cheese? I wish I could eat them without counting how many hours of work-out has been negated?

Invention 6: Human Blinkers

It takes women centuries to decide what they need! Then it takes decades for them to select which make would be fine! And then a few years to finally the color! And then while they walk out to the billin section, God save you if they spot something else (which they always manage to) attractive! So how about blinkers for the mistress? Easy on pocket, time and effort!

Innovation 7: Cooking Geometry Box
Does the chapati have to be circular? Doesnt life get monotonous to eat the same round chapatis night after night?

Everytime I roll the dough I always end up getting better geometrical shapes! First of all that damn thing always sticks to the wooden slab that I roll it on! And when I do manage to get something out, its either a rectangle, sometimes it could be a pentagon, a hexagon or any polygon with n sides! :)

Or better still it could represent a perfect amoeba shape! Amoeba chapatis... yummy as they can be!

I know you will agree that it is boring and monotonous to eat the same round-round chapatis. But my wife doesnt seem to understand! Then I tell her it will just anyway end up in your tummy... round-round or amoeba-amoeba! But then I think it will be easier to buy a Cooking geometry box instead!

I can take the compass out and then make a perfect circle before I toast it! I can probably use the protractor and the set-squares to accurately measure and cut the vegetables in appropriate shapes and sizes!

There goes my wishlist! Whats yours?

IP Address please!

Why dont people just have unique names? It can surely save a few embarassing situations ... if only people had unique names!

I got a beautiful ecard from this guy called Kiran yesterday. Kiran Kumar? Who kiran? Which Kiran? Thota Kiran (my classmate?) or is K2 (my school mate?) or is it .... which Kiran Kumar... half a dozen names and I couldnt figure out which one actually sent me this card...

So I decided to be 'smart' and play it 'safe' - I just replied in a very casual tone ... "thanks... how r u ? where are you these days?" - as if to ask whether he is still in the USA or has he returned to India.

and my my .. here is the surprise! - this is the mail I get back from him!


-----Original Message-----
From: kiran kumar
Sent: Wednesday, November 28, 2007 10:51 AM
To: Raghu
Subject: Re: An anniversary wish from kiran kumar

Good morning Boss...
this is kiran....
i am one of the members in ur company.


On 11/27/07, Raghu <raghu@............> wrote:

Hey Thanks a lot!
Whats up with you? Where r u these days?



Now now ... tell me how am I going to guess that someone who sits in my office would actually send me an ecard and that too after wishing me in the morning? But yeah a very sweet gesture :)

I wish each of us had a unique number instead of names.. so there is no ambiguity! :P How about an IP address? ;-)

Or have a really *llllloooooonnnnnnnggggggg* name so that there is no chance of anyone else having it too! :P

Challenge here... anyone with a longer name than "Kanchustambham Srinivasa Raghavendra"? My parents were smart... werent they? :P Just that I used to find it impossible to fit that full name on OMR sheets for exams! :P

And then I met YVVS Siva Nagendra on the campus! Yellamanchili Veera Venkata Sathya Siva Nagendra! Oops... Siva... dont sue me if I got any part of this name wrong.... well, I wonder if he will get his own name right! :P

Perhaps IP addresses are better! ;-)

Hitch Hiker!

This is what I promised to pull out from my notes for TYS. My posts got deleted while I was experimenting a bit with the blog... Dont you ever trust an engineer to sit silent without fiddling around! :P

I did resurrect the posts with some effort, but the comments are lost! :( But one comment from TYS was quite moving, the way his brother voluntarily shared his ice cream with a poor kid.

For me, being nice to people never was gifted so naturally... I really have to work hard to fight my natural instincts of putting myself first! So here we go with a little notes of what happened a few months ago.


----

A school kid waved his hand while I was driving my car back from tennis court to my house. I pulled my car to the side. He said "Anna... can you drop me till the end of this road?" - I smiled and he hopped in. Few minutes with him, he was off and I continued driving towards home.

This kid reminded me of an incident that happened when I was very young. I was in my 3rd or 4th class back then. I used to walk to my school. At school we were expected to carry an extra set of shoes for sports. Sports were compulsary every evening and I started walking back after a game of football.

I crossed the rail track and then a kid (of my age or probably younger) was following me. I looked at him and said "what do you want?" - he stared at the transparent cover I was holding with my leather shoes in them. He said "I want to wear them once... I want to know how they feel". I said "Ok. Take it" - I stretched my hand as if I would allow him to wear them and while he was about to take them... I pulled it back! And I started laughing and mocking at him. I abused him, reminding him that he was a poor guy and he should never dream of such things in life!

I trotted back home, not realizing what I did. I went home, and while having evening snax, I called my mom ( I used to call her amma back then .. dont know when I switched to this stupid mummy ) and told her with my head held high - "you know what I did today?". She looked back as if to say "ok .. come on tell me".

"I had fun amma. This dirty beggar kid, he wanted to wear my shoes. I told him I will give it to him, but I did not and I enjoyed making fun of him". She did not know how to react.

She made me search for my old shoes and told me "he wanted to try your shoes... I want you to gift these to him and come". She shouted "Go, find him!" She made me realize that not everyone gets everything and you should respect people. She just said "its ok if you did not want to give him anything, but thats not the way you treat him!"

I went to a very affluent school (a recent survey says its ranked seventeenth in India and the best in south India) and when I never knew that a world of poverty existed outside. I think this one incident was a very big turning point in my life in terms of how I looked at the world around me.

I trotted back carrying my old pair of shoes, trying to locate this kid. I searched frantically, but I never found him. Dejected I returned back home. I was very moved by this incident. The fact that I remember it after 2 decades, tells me how important that incident was. It came at the cost of a little sweetheart, but it changed my world!

Not very far from this incident was when I thought I did the world's smartest thing. My school teacher was taking a spelling test in the class. I could commit to memory most of the spellings. This "charminar" somehow proved a little difficult. I wrote it on a piece of paper and slipped it into my 'pencilbox'.

The test was over, I scored well. I went home and showed the results to my dad. And I told him about the smart thing that I had just done. I said "everyone else was working hard to memorize, and I just wrote it on a piece of paper!" - at that time I did not even know that this process was called "cheating in the exam" - I thought I invented something 'cool'. Dad just got up, and I had a thrashing of my life that day. He said "if you ever cheat again, i will throw you out!".

I was very confused, because 2 minutes ago he was all smiles. And suddenly he became violent. And it was so rare that he ever beat me up. We were always the pampered kids! And I did not understand how that was "cheating". It took time and he explained to me later once he calmed down, that I should work hard for results. This is cheating because it was not fair to others!

Another incident which changed my life in the childhood - for good or bad - I stuck to the truth for a long time in my life. I never cheated in school again. There were others in my class who probably shared a 100% marks along with me in subjects like physics, maths and computers... but I openly used to say "my 100 is more valuable than yours...bcoz I earned it the right way!" Such statements made me unpopular sometimes, but I loved sticking to what I believed. To live an honest life!

Now somewhere down the lane, I know I lost all my principles. I have cheated. I have cheated and I have learnt the art of rationalization. I lied too - sometimes for the good and sometimes for my own selfish reasons.

I could not stop recalling these little incidents when I saw this hitch hiker. How I wish someone slapped me right on my face and tell me everytime I even dared to do anything wrong!

It is amazing that your minds are so impressionable at young ages. With in half hour, you could wipe out a wrong thought and replace it with such a noble feeling. It takes so much longer now though and probably sometimes you never learn too! Thats what 'growing up' does to you!

Catharsis!

Thoughts flow, and the words can not catch up!
Thoughts flow, and the analysis starts!
Thoughts flow, and the rational mind can not grasp!
Thoughts flow, and the rules do not accept!

Thoughts flow, Thoughts flow and Thoughts flow.
Till they break the shackles and break out to an unbridled empire!
And when they do break out, they bring a catastrophy!
A deluge so powerful and so deadly...neither it spares you nor others.

It spares not the kingdom you built.
It spares not the paradise you laid.
It spares not its own creation.
The deluge takes it all...

But dear friend,
fear not the inner thoughts,
curtail them not -for if you do,
there is no YOU anymore!

Dear friend,
Stem not the flow,
for after the savage,
a new kingdom will rise!

A kingdom superior in value systems,
A kingdom purged of all the evils,
A kingdom that will make you proud,
A kingdom built to last!

Darwin Misinterpreted!

Charles Darwin is arguably the most celebrated biologist that we know. I wonder if he would really have appreciated/realted to the theories he once enunciated and the way they are taught in school these days!

I was taught that man has shed his tail because he no longer needed it! Now, I wonder if tail was really that useless... if I had a tail I am sure I would have used it for a lot of innovative things! ;-)

Man could walk on two legs because that left his hands for other useful purposes! (now no double entendres intended there!)

Or for that matter, the peacock has 'evolved' a beautiful tail to attract the female peahen? (hmmm... and you thought I was kidding when I said a tail would be useful?)

Now... now... I remember walking along with my biology teacher to her home after school hours to 'discuss' this. I found it really hard to believe that you could 'evolve' because you 'wanted' it!

I would naively ask her "mam! I want to fly... does it mean if I want it strong enough, I actually would grow wings?" She used to smile back and say "well... evolution happens over millions of years! not in yor lifespan!"

Then my grandfather confused me even more. I guess it was his attempt to explain to me that a male dog is needed for a female dog to conceive its litter of puppies. He said "the female dog 'dreams' about her favorite male dog and the puppies are typically born like the one in her dreams!"

Well... does it mean biology happens based on what we think? Can we direct the path of its evolution?

Somehow something was missing. And I tried asking so many people... I was always such a troublesome child :P I had to question everything and I would not stop till I find a convincing answer.

Time passed. I think after a decade of hearing to those dissatisfied answers, it just dawned on me in my shower of what exactly darwin probably meant by his theory of evolution! Thank God! I was more sensible than Archimedes in reacting to this 'eureka moment' !

Things are afterall not as directed as they seem in nature. There is a great sense of comfort to the human brain in assuming and believing that things are ordered and directed. However, here is what Darwin probably proposed on how species have evolved.

Each species happily reproduces a copy of it. It is neither 'directed' nor thoughtful. Very small random mutations are bound to happen in this process. Read that carefully ... I said *random* - not 'directed' and not based on *wants/wishes*. Now of these, nature decides which of these survive and which perish!

Let me explain that with an example.. instead of taking the timeline to be millions of years, lets say a wolf in the wild hypothetically managed to have a litter of puppies with all randomly mutated genes. Lets say one had a super large tail, one makes too much noise, the other was born with 5 legs and one had super sensitive nose!

Now there is a good chance that the one with the large tail would probably perish because it is difficult to run with a large tail. And then so would be the cruel fate with the pup with 5 legs ... it can hardly move and is bound to die of hunger. The one which makes too much noise probably ends up in a predator's stomach! And the one with the super sensitive nose will probably survive and infact be able to manage more food for itself than the rest on the pack. So it not only survives and but spreads more of its mutated genes!

Now the mother wolf did not necessarily "direct" or "want" that its offspring should have sharp sensitivity to smells. It just happened randomly... absolutely random mutations and the nature then decided which one would survive!

Unfortunate that even the text books get this wrong. I had to really struggle to accept that they preach you can biologically evolve based on your wants as if its directed!

Its a random world... some survive and some dont!

Now... lets get back to the question I asked my biology teacher when I was fifteen. "Mam! Can I fly if I really want to?"

I think the answer to that is ... Yes you can! Not in the biological sense may be, but if you free your mind of all the evils and have courage in your heart...I think you can! Like they say, "some people buy crutches when in trouble, some just grow wings!"

The Silver!

Here is the medal that I received yesterday for the Tennis doubles. Silver? Content?

Well... Yes... very content and very happy.

Let me tell you why...

I started the tournament with a loss in the singles match - courtesy my dampened levels of concentration.

As the tournament progressed, I found myself in a position where I had only a very slim chance of making it to singles semis (again thanks to my repeated lapses in concentration on the court). It was not enough that I beat M, but I had to beat him with a huge margin (read that as win with out loosing a single game!!!).They had this funny scoring system for this tournament!

With three days of planning and perfect execution on the court, I somehow pulled that miracle off and I was in the mens singles semis! Wow! I was so happy about it.. I had done almost the impossible... If I were a woman, I probably would have screamed like the contestants in a beauty pageant do when they are crowned the winners! ;-) such was the ecstasy for pulling off the 'impossible'!

But this joy was to be shortlived. I had to fly to Rajasthan for 3 days and the wise men decided that they would give a walkover because I was not in Bangalore! And that meant my highway in the mens singles came to an abrupt dead end! I tried talking to them but none would listen to me. I felt it was very unfair ... specially after fighting so hard to be in the race.

For them it was a tournament. For various reasons, it was more than that for me. First, it meant a chance for me to state that I was not a rookie. I still remember when I first played in february, nobody wanted to play with me because I was a starter! And here, I had a chance to make a statement! I would learn from the web, I would see clips and tutorials on the correct way to play and I would practice the next day on the court.

But whatever... the decision was made... I was unceremoniously dropped - not because I lost, but because I wasn't in Bangalore (after informing them in advance). I was upset that day... I just walked back dejected... I have to be honest...I plotted all strategies all the way upto the finals! And I really felt quite down...

Now the doubles... I had that extra motivation to play well. We did not loose a single game till we sailed in to the finals. And when we did play finals, we lost. But suprisingly I wish to celebrate this loss. For, I knew I played my best tennis... and I gave it my best.

This tournament for me was not just about any other event. At the start of the tournament I was suffering from serious lapses in concentration... sharp drop in my focussing ability. Not just on the court, but somehow life in general seemed to have come to have been stuck in doldrums. And I was struggling to set sail... confidence was hit... self esteem had been dented and then when the winds did seem to flow, I soon realized they were blowing in the wrong direction!
I was trying to control my thoughts... I was trying to train my mind... and it wouldnt listen. It would stray everywhere ... to places where it ought not! And then, I declared... the day I can play my tennis back again with full intensity and concentration on the court, I would consider that as a litmus test that things are back on track again!

Yes... I lost... but I lost not because of my lack in focus. I lost not because I played with less vigour... but because I had a truely formidable attack from the other side of the court! And hence I believe my bigger battle in life seems to be moving on the right track.

The incidents also reminded me again that some 'random events' just happen and can rock you down if you are not careful! Sometimes people just decide "this is how we behave... no arguments!" and you could get perturbed by that. But I am happy with the way I put that 'unfair event' in singles behind me and moved on with the doubles match... giving it everything I had!

And then ... who are these guys after all? Arent these the guys I play and bump into every morning. Does it really matter who wins the gold?

Perhaps sometimes you get greater joy when you see people close to you win even if it means you have to settle for a silver! For you see, happiness is contagious!
Cheers to the spirit of the sport!