Neela asked me if I wanted to share my views and comments on Dhyanyogi's page and I just was not prepared to take that request up. Its so unlike me - All my life I have loved to be the center of the universe that I lived in. And if someone felt that they valued my opinion - I would have just given spiels of it!
My opinions mattered to people around me and I cherished the attention that I received at each stage of my life. Unconsciously I began living as if the world was created for me and everything around me existed for me!
The greatest lesson I learnt in the last few years was that each man is filled with a lot of ego. We do not even realize that it exists in us. Every desire in us - from greed to lust - can all be traced and explained beautifully if we understand the phenomenal importance that 'ego' assumes in ourselves.
Not long ago, I thought I would make the greatest dad that ever existed and believed that I could teach my son everything that he needed to know! I could teach him math, I could teach him how to handle emotions, I could teach him how to run an enterprise, I could teach him how to prepare for a sports championship - I thought I could just mold him to be a super-human! Only to shockingly realize that I had far more things to learn from him than what I had to offer him!
Can I be like him - when he smiles with reckless abandon? Can I be like him - when he just forgets that he was upset just a while ago and be in his joyous state? Can I be like him - with absolutely no grudges against anyone for more than a few seconds? Can I be like him - Live in the absolute present and not worry about the future? Can I be like him - when he just does what he thinks is right?!?
It just dawned on me that I 'knew' was precious little! It continued to reinforce in me that I am a mere speck of a star in a larger Galaxy! Surprisingly though it did not demoralize me or bring me down crashing! It just helped me understand the bigger picture and the specific role that I had to play in the larger cosmic drama - and I for once was willing to forfeit the crown to others around me.
How else could I explain that I sit only in the last row of the yoga class? - damn! I was NEVER a 'last bencher' in any activity that I participated! How else can I explain that I prefer to be absolutely silent in most activities that I partake in? How else can I explain that I now delegate work more easily at work and try to learn how other people handle similar situations? I am simply loving not living under a imaginary and un-real 'me-centric' world.
The danger of believing that you are the only rock-star is that you inevitably tie up bench marking your worth to the way other people treat and perceive you! You hold your self worth ransom to how others manipulate you!
I love the way I am slowly learning to move away from the central stage and cling on to the only 'permanent friend' - some folks call him Super Power while some others prefer to call him God!
Yes - I will probably go back and write a few lines about Dhyanyogi's teachings. But I pray that I can implement what I write there in my own life. I know I can get away from the 'world' even if I do not follow what I write there - but for me - for my inner self satisfaction - I pray that I have the strength to walk my talk!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Eloquence
What is it about eloquence that used to be so attractive? I know not - but I was always attracted to people who could speak and articulate well. May be it has got to do with my childhood - where I was very introvert in nature and always liked people who could do what I could not - TALK! And TALK WELL!
I was always lost in my own world - most of my thoughts revolved around fairly complex things for a 10 year old - about life, death, consciousness, existence, God and what not! May be that is one reason why I did not find the time to TALK and sharpen my 'communication' skills. And it was but natural that I started to grow fonder of people who could do that.
Then as I grew up, I have compromised on my inner quests - I had far fewer questions not because I found answers to those questions, but because I was convinced that I would not reach answers to them! And then I suddenly seemed to make time for 'interactions with others' in my life. And slowly I started opening up...
And then I entered the corporate life out of college as a fairly extrovert brash kid! Some kind people tried to guide me to be more diplomatic. They tried to teach me 'perception management' - they made me realize 'its not only important to do the work, but also ensure that people perceive it that way'.
It took me three years of effort - to figure out how to navigate the corporate maze! I learnt to make suave presentations and knew how to talk things that decision makers wanted to hear! I could marry the tech stuff along with packaging it to the audience to take note of what I was doing! Yes - I learnt the art of selling. I grew in confidence that I could convince people of anything that I wanted - by just playing with words, phrases and imagination!
I was getting more and more vocal every year - encouraged by the success of how I was able to convince people and make them see what I wanted them to see!
And then over the last few years somehow I just went into a shell - both in the corporate world and my personal life. Its as if the clock has been reset.
I was not born with eloquence, not born with the art of making friends, not born with ability to read people and emotions - I put in several years of hard work - worked on each 'flaw' meticulously over years to make some progress in some of these areas. And after working so hard for years, why is it that I just wanted to let go everything I learnt?
I wanted to build a system on true values which have intrinsic attraction to people - not just because a person can 'talk well' or 'present well'. I started to get a feeling that eloquence is just an ephemeral phase in one's life journey.
The person speaking those words and playing beautifully with phrases should really have implemented those in his life.
Words, I realize are carriers of great energy. They get charged with the energy of the person who speaks them. People gifted with the gift of the gab - can make fantastic speeches - but somehow they do not seem to be penetrating me anymore.
On the other hand, I seem to be paying a lot of attention to much simpler words but they come from people who have stood by what they preach in their own life! Now I do not know how I seem to know it - but I just seem to be able to differentiate between superficially fantastic stories vs. something that comes from 'within'.
Its a full circle. I seemed to have gone into a full shell - not speaking up much for over two years now. I have gone into a rather introspection mode - analyzing and understanding my own self.
The last three to four months have seen a different resurgence though - the itch to speak has come back again - but I know this is a different aggression in life - an itch with a far deeper purpose and meaning. I know deep inside me that I am aiming for a far greater goal I wish to achieve when I speaketh this time around!
I was always lost in my own world - most of my thoughts revolved around fairly complex things for a 10 year old - about life, death, consciousness, existence, God and what not! May be that is one reason why I did not find the time to TALK and sharpen my 'communication' skills. And it was but natural that I started to grow fonder of people who could do that.
Then as I grew up, I have compromised on my inner quests - I had far fewer questions not because I found answers to those questions, but because I was convinced that I would not reach answers to them! And then I suddenly seemed to make time for 'interactions with others' in my life. And slowly I started opening up...
And then I entered the corporate life out of college as a fairly extrovert brash kid! Some kind people tried to guide me to be more diplomatic. They tried to teach me 'perception management' - they made me realize 'its not only important to do the work, but also ensure that people perceive it that way'.
It took me three years of effort - to figure out how to navigate the corporate maze! I learnt to make suave presentations and knew how to talk things that decision makers wanted to hear! I could marry the tech stuff along with packaging it to the audience to take note of what I was doing! Yes - I learnt the art of selling. I grew in confidence that I could convince people of anything that I wanted - by just playing with words, phrases and imagination!
I was getting more and more vocal every year - encouraged by the success of how I was able to convince people and make them see what I wanted them to see!
And then over the last few years somehow I just went into a shell - both in the corporate world and my personal life. Its as if the clock has been reset.
I was not born with eloquence, not born with the art of making friends, not born with ability to read people and emotions - I put in several years of hard work - worked on each 'flaw' meticulously over years to make some progress in some of these areas. And after working so hard for years, why is it that I just wanted to let go everything I learnt?
I wanted to build a system on true values which have intrinsic attraction to people - not just because a person can 'talk well' or 'present well'. I started to get a feeling that eloquence is just an ephemeral phase in one's life journey.
The person speaking those words and playing beautifully with phrases should really have implemented those in his life.
Words, I realize are carriers of great energy. They get charged with the energy of the person who speaks them. People gifted with the gift of the gab - can make fantastic speeches - but somehow they do not seem to be penetrating me anymore.
On the other hand, I seem to be paying a lot of attention to much simpler words but they come from people who have stood by what they preach in their own life! Now I do not know how I seem to know it - but I just seem to be able to differentiate between superficially fantastic stories vs. something that comes from 'within'.
Its a full circle. I seemed to have gone into a full shell - not speaking up much for over two years now. I have gone into a rather introspection mode - analyzing and understanding my own self.
The last three to four months have seen a different resurgence though - the itch to speak has come back again - but I know this is a different aggression in life - an itch with a far deeper purpose and meaning. I know deep inside me that I am aiming for a far greater goal I wish to achieve when I speaketh this time around!
Monday, December 1, 2008
Helpless
I can not recall too many incidents when I did not have an opinion. Whether needed or not, whether asked for or not, I always seemed to have an opinion! Right or wrong, but at least I had a point of view.
But this week - I do not have an opinion on the blasts that rocked mumbai. I was and still am desperate to know what I can do to contribute to lessen the misery and anguish of the people who suffered. What can I do to ensure that such an attack does not recur again?
I am not looking for a knee-jerk emotional reaction (though I confess it took great effort to keep some tears rolling down as I watched or recollected the events on the tv).
Honestly... I do not know. I do not want to sound that I do not want to do anything.
What can I do? I can vote? whom should I vote? Tell me one competent guy among those who stand for election?
Tell me one politician who has not politicized even this event. Do they even have the 'c' of conscience?
May be its a weak moment, but I feel I have lost faith in democracy. At least in the form that we see it in India today. We are democratic only on paper.
If we truely are democratic, can a common man with a salary of Rs.10,000 per month become the chief minister today? I woke up to a rude shock! We are pseudo-democratic... the guys in power are the only ones who will always remain in power. And yeah you get a great 'democratic choice' between one of the two asses who stand up for elections!
I have been trying to condition myself that hatred can not stop hatred. Its only love that can dissolve hatred. Heck... again call it a weak moment if you will... but I just am fuming with hatred, anger and the most ill-feelings against those wretched politicians who not only brought us to this stage, but also have let us down so badly through their insensitive responses to the terror attacks.
Yes... I am observing all this. But what can I do?
I live in a democracy! True! Please ... provide me an OPTION to vote for. Please provide me a LEADER!
I know I sound like a real looser when I talk in this helpless tone. But... this week... there is no denial that I feel like one!
I do not know how to channelize my anger, pain, disappointment... but the least I can do is to remember those families who have suffered in my prayers.
God bless all the noble souls who fought for us. Salute to them!
But this week - I do not have an opinion on the blasts that rocked mumbai. I was and still am desperate to know what I can do to contribute to lessen the misery and anguish of the people who suffered. What can I do to ensure that such an attack does not recur again?
I am not looking for a knee-jerk emotional reaction (though I confess it took great effort to keep some tears rolling down as I watched or recollected the events on the tv).
Honestly... I do not know. I do not want to sound that I do not want to do anything.
What can I do? I can vote? whom should I vote? Tell me one competent guy among those who stand for election?
Tell me one politician who has not politicized even this event. Do they even have the 'c' of conscience?
May be its a weak moment, but I feel I have lost faith in democracy. At least in the form that we see it in India today. We are democratic only on paper.
If we truely are democratic, can a common man with a salary of Rs.10,000 per month become the chief minister today? I woke up to a rude shock! We are pseudo-democratic... the guys in power are the only ones who will always remain in power. And yeah you get a great 'democratic choice' between one of the two asses who stand up for elections!
I have been trying to condition myself that hatred can not stop hatred. Its only love that can dissolve hatred. Heck... again call it a weak moment if you will... but I just am fuming with hatred, anger and the most ill-feelings against those wretched politicians who not only brought us to this stage, but also have let us down so badly through their insensitive responses to the terror attacks.
Yes... I am observing all this. But what can I do?
I live in a democracy! True! Please ... provide me an OPTION to vote for. Please provide me a LEADER!
I know I sound like a real looser when I talk in this helpless tone. But... this week... there is no denial that I feel like one!
I do not know how to channelize my anger, pain, disappointment... but the least I can do is to remember those families who have suffered in my prayers.
God bless all the noble souls who fought for us. Salute to them!
Thursday, November 27, 2008
4 years with a woman!
I respect women. A few months ago I happened to see an orkut profile of a guy who says he respects women ... and it freaked me when I noticed that all his 300+ friends were only women! Now thats not what I mean by respecting a woman!
I respect a modern woman. And modernity to me does not mean skimpy clothes. I see so many women talk so much about how "beauty is far deeper than skin"... but don't miss out a chance to spend extravagant amounts of money and time just to superficially look attractive.
I respect a woman of substance. A woman who can handle things that matter. A woman who knows how to handle a career and yet not compromise on the housefront. A woman who is confident of her worth. A woman who truely is independent in the real sense of the word. A woman who is ready to take on the world!
Heck! I have been married to such a wonderful woman four years ago!
Neither my friends nor I ever had the slighest inkling that I was destined to marry at 25! That I thought was too early to get married. And then they did not expect that I would go the "traditional arranged marriage" route. But then who can predict things?
And I recall the first meeting - where I asked her a few questions what most would find bizzare for selecting a partner for life. "Idealogically do you like communism or capitalism and why?"
Now you know why I call her a woman of substance? If she can handle a geek like me then that should tell you a lot about her!
In fact I am quite a boring character to hang around with. I don't watch much tv, I don't listen to music, I don't go out to parties, I do not watch movies... heck I don't even drink tea! I sometimes marvel at the way she has adapted to the way I live over the last four years.
I can be extremely unromantic too. I somehow believe that love has to grow with time and it has got lot more to it than 'pleasantries' and trips to exotic locations! And for me it always meant standing up and doing things when it mattered! And that sounds quite impressive as I write here, but the side-effect of that could be that you can become extremely unromantic... no frequent candle-light dinners, no hanging out to movie theatres... And she has taken all that in her stride. And I really wonder if I could ever adapt so much.
Year after year, I started noticing how lucky I was... I started unraveling qualities which made her command more respect.
I saw her courage when she handled things when I was in the ICU for a while. I saw her determination when she managed to do her Woman entrepreneur course from IIMB - all while managing her work and her daily household chores. I saw her empathy when she she voluntered to teach kids from Government schools on weekends.
She learnt to cook, she learnt to run the house, she learnt to handle the priorities right, she learnt to handle my mood swings and temper... and what fascinates me is that she is always willing to LEARN and CHANGE!
And I think I have not seen a better daughter-in-law than her! That to any guy is the biggest gift a wife could bring to him! Well... almost... the exception being when both your mother and your wife gang up against your wishes sometimes!
On this fourth anniversary, I can pledge that I love her 4 times than what I loved her on the first anniversary! The more I have been discovering about our marriage... the more joy it has been bringing in.
Cheers to the woman who made it all possible!
I respect a modern woman. And modernity to me does not mean skimpy clothes. I see so many women talk so much about how "beauty is far deeper than skin"... but don't miss out a chance to spend extravagant amounts of money and time just to superficially look attractive.
I respect a woman of substance. A woman who can handle things that matter. A woman who knows how to handle a career and yet not compromise on the housefront. A woman who is confident of her worth. A woman who truely is independent in the real sense of the word. A woman who is ready to take on the world!
Heck! I have been married to such a wonderful woman four years ago!
Neither my friends nor I ever had the slighest inkling that I was destined to marry at 25! That I thought was too early to get married. And then they did not expect that I would go the "traditional arranged marriage" route. But then who can predict things?
And I recall the first meeting - where I asked her a few questions what most would find bizzare for selecting a partner for life. "Idealogically do you like communism or capitalism and why?"
Now you know why I call her a woman of substance? If she can handle a geek like me then that should tell you a lot about her!
In fact I am quite a boring character to hang around with. I don't watch much tv, I don't listen to music, I don't go out to parties, I do not watch movies... heck I don't even drink tea! I sometimes marvel at the way she has adapted to the way I live over the last four years.
I can be extremely unromantic too. I somehow believe that love has to grow with time and it has got lot more to it than 'pleasantries' and trips to exotic locations! And for me it always meant standing up and doing things when it mattered! And that sounds quite impressive as I write here, but the side-effect of that could be that you can become extremely unromantic... no frequent candle-light dinners, no hanging out to movie theatres... And she has taken all that in her stride. And I really wonder if I could ever adapt so much.
Year after year, I started noticing how lucky I was... I started unraveling qualities which made her command more respect.
I saw her courage when she handled things when I was in the ICU for a while. I saw her determination when she managed to do her Woman entrepreneur course from IIMB - all while managing her work and her daily household chores. I saw her empathy when she she voluntered to teach kids from Government schools on weekends.
She learnt to cook, she learnt to run the house, she learnt to handle the priorities right, she learnt to handle my mood swings and temper... and what fascinates me is that she is always willing to LEARN and CHANGE!
And I think I have not seen a better daughter-in-law than her! That to any guy is the biggest gift a wife could bring to him! Well... almost... the exception being when both your mother and your wife gang up against your wishes sometimes!
On this fourth anniversary, I can pledge that I love her 4 times than what I loved her on the first anniversary! The more I have been discovering about our marriage... the more joy it has been bringing in.
Cheers to the woman who made it all possible!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
No Hurry!
"How often do you read Gita?" quipped Hannah staring at the book I was holding in my hand. I smiled back at my co-passenger on the train and replied "I try to read it everyday. But usually at least two days in a week for sure."
And her curiosity did not seem to stop there. She was quick to ask "Why do you read it?" I smiled and replied back saying that I enjoy reading it and that it answers a lot of questions that I seek answers to.
The next question really startled me - where are you going after this life? Hell of Heaven? WoW! I tried not to show my surprise and smiled back saying "I do not know!"
It felt very eerie that the only phrase I was using for the next barrage of questions from her was " I do not know!" The fact was I really did not know!
I guess she was exasperated with my constant mono-dimensional "I do not knows" and it showed up when she said "does it not frustrate you that you know so very little about this life?"
I smiled back and said " I want to know... But I am not in a hurry!"
I do not know why I was smiling all through my answers! May because those troubled questions regarding life have bothered me enough all through my childhood. I remember troubling everyone with those questions very early in my childhood. It was even more difficult for me to understand "life" specially during the phase I was an atheist. With out the framework of God, it was extremely difficult to grasp the essence and meaning of life! And now in front of me is someone who is questioning my "curiosity" (or rather lack of it) towards understanding life!
Its not that I understand life. Its not that I do not want to know about it. It is just that at this stage of my life I just am willing to persevere and wait till I understand what it is. I am not talking about intellectual definitions here. I want the answer to come from within me - I cant really explain what I am searching for... but the quest is on!
Now that is something which did not go well with her. That I was willing to wait for the answers! She mistook "waiting for the answers to arrive" to "no interest in knowing the answers!" And she quickly said "what if you die before you know the answer?" Well, what if I die? I die! There is nothing much I can do if I die before I know the answers... and I just put the question back to her "yeah ... so what can I do if I die earlier?"
The most interesting question she asked me was what I meant by living life to the fullest? That was an answer I had given her for one of the million rapid fire questions she posed! And now she needed an explanation!
That really set me thinking.... she prodded me and asked if "fullest" for me meant "pleasures". I did not answer... i was still contemplating what exactly living my life to the fullest meant to me. Was it fun, pleasure, recognition, fame, success? I did not know. But I was sure it was none of them.
I want to live a life where I can really live the way I know is the right way to live. A life where I truely internally realize that all life springs from God and be compassionate towards every life form. Now saying that intellectually is one thing and practising it is other.
Practising by deeds is tough. But try doing it even at the thought levels, and you will know the challenge it is posing me every day! Can I forget and feel no animosity for anyone? Can I wipe out all the anger in me at a subconcious level? It is one thing to 'talk' about love for all creatures, it is another thing to restrain your actions to show that. And it is yet another thing that even at the level of your subconcious you harbor no ill feelings even to people who have been unfair. Can I ever get to that state of empathy? I do not know... but I will try ...
As I thought further, Living life to the fullest also meant that I contribute and do justice to all the intellectual gifts that God has bestowed on me. I realized that intellect breeds arrogance. I also learnt that intellect with out ability to empathize with other people's needs leads only to the downfall of the self. I have lived most of my life in the past as if I was the Sun and everyone else revolved around me like the planets. I would consider that I would have lived my life to the fullest the day I sincerely, from with in, bring in a realization that I am just a tiny spec of dust on the periphery and if I can put others needs at par with my own. Its easy for me to speak all this at an intellectual level, but to do it and to do it consistently before I die is what I would seek.
Living life to the fullest? Does it also not include the courage to accept the mistakes I did and then with determination and grit work on correcting them?
and ... and....
Now so much was going through my mind, but I did not want to scare a stranger away... so I smiled and said "a life where I live to my full potential!"
And then she came to the original question ... "now tell me... you do not know most of the answers that you are seeking for. Why do you read that book then?"
I was a little baffled and I said "thats exactly why I read it!"
"So you have all the answers there?"
I said "May be! I want to find out!"
Then she was back again "do you know where you are going to after this life?"
For a second, I wondered if she was sent from the other world to deliver me away from earth! I got a little curious and I responded with another question... "do you know where you are heading to after your life?"
Pat came the answer - "Heaven!"
Why? Because Jesus will take her to Heaven. Because she has faith in Him.
I was happy for her. And I honestly admired her for the conviction and faith she had in God. Here I was, at a stage of struggling to understand God, Life and nuances of karma - and in front of me was a girl who seems to have understood it all!
I smiled.
But she had more to say... "Please go and get a bible.... read it and you will find all the answers!"
"Sure! When I get time, I will definitely read it", was my response. She did not seem to be happy about it. She insisted that I read it with out fail and subtly indicated that it will clear things that Gita could not answer for me so far.
I was surprised but I was still smiling and said "If you ever read the autobiography of Mahatma Gandhi, you would realize that Gita was his guide whenever encountered tough questions in life. So it is not necessarily the book alone, it is ultimately the recipient who needs to be of a certain standard to receive the knowledge. And it is obvious, that unlike the Mahatma, I am just a beginner on this path and hence I do not find all answers yet! But, yeah... I am definitely open to read the Bible!"
That did not seem to make Hannah too happy. But I still should thank the girl to set me thinking on what exactly living life to the full really means to me!
While I was about to get off the train, she again said "read the bible and it will answer all your questions!"
I have not read the Bible yet directly, but I firmly believe ultimate realization depends on the sincerity and maturity of the recipient of the knowledge and not just the book - be it the Quran, the Bible , the Upanishads or the Gita! And I promised myself to strive to achieve that purity in deed and thought, so that someday I will resonate internally with what I read!
And her curiosity did not seem to stop there. She was quick to ask "Why do you read it?" I smiled and replied back saying that I enjoy reading it and that it answers a lot of questions that I seek answers to.
The next question really startled me - where are you going after this life? Hell of Heaven? WoW! I tried not to show my surprise and smiled back saying "I do not know!"
It felt very eerie that the only phrase I was using for the next barrage of questions from her was " I do not know!" The fact was I really did not know!
I guess she was exasperated with my constant mono-dimensional "I do not knows" and it showed up when she said "does it not frustrate you that you know so very little about this life?"
I smiled back and said " I want to know... But I am not in a hurry!"
I do not know why I was smiling all through my answers! May because those troubled questions regarding life have bothered me enough all through my childhood. I remember troubling everyone with those questions very early in my childhood. It was even more difficult for me to understand "life" specially during the phase I was an atheist. With out the framework of God, it was extremely difficult to grasp the essence and meaning of life! And now in front of me is someone who is questioning my "curiosity" (or rather lack of it) towards understanding life!
Its not that I understand life. Its not that I do not want to know about it. It is just that at this stage of my life I just am willing to persevere and wait till I understand what it is. I am not talking about intellectual definitions here. I want the answer to come from within me - I cant really explain what I am searching for... but the quest is on!
Now that is something which did not go well with her. That I was willing to wait for the answers! She mistook "waiting for the answers to arrive" to "no interest in knowing the answers!" And she quickly said "what if you die before you know the answer?" Well, what if I die? I die! There is nothing much I can do if I die before I know the answers... and I just put the question back to her "yeah ... so what can I do if I die earlier?"
The most interesting question she asked me was what I meant by living life to the fullest? That was an answer I had given her for one of the million rapid fire questions she posed! And now she needed an explanation!
That really set me thinking.... she prodded me and asked if "fullest" for me meant "pleasures". I did not answer... i was still contemplating what exactly living my life to the fullest meant to me. Was it fun, pleasure, recognition, fame, success? I did not know. But I was sure it was none of them.
I want to live a life where I can really live the way I know is the right way to live. A life where I truely internally realize that all life springs from God and be compassionate towards every life form. Now saying that intellectually is one thing and practising it is other.
Practising by deeds is tough. But try doing it even at the thought levels, and you will know the challenge it is posing me every day! Can I forget and feel no animosity for anyone? Can I wipe out all the anger in me at a subconcious level? It is one thing to 'talk' about love for all creatures, it is another thing to restrain your actions to show that. And it is yet another thing that even at the level of your subconcious you harbor no ill feelings even to people who have been unfair. Can I ever get to that state of empathy? I do not know... but I will try ...
As I thought further, Living life to the fullest also meant that I contribute and do justice to all the intellectual gifts that God has bestowed on me. I realized that intellect breeds arrogance. I also learnt that intellect with out ability to empathize with other people's needs leads only to the downfall of the self. I have lived most of my life in the past as if I was the Sun and everyone else revolved around me like the planets. I would consider that I would have lived my life to the fullest the day I sincerely, from with in, bring in a realization that I am just a tiny spec of dust on the periphery and if I can put others needs at par with my own. Its easy for me to speak all this at an intellectual level, but to do it and to do it consistently before I die is what I would seek.
Living life to the fullest? Does it also not include the courage to accept the mistakes I did and then with determination and grit work on correcting them?
and ... and....
Now so much was going through my mind, but I did not want to scare a stranger away... so I smiled and said "a life where I live to my full potential!"
And then she came to the original question ... "now tell me... you do not know most of the answers that you are seeking for. Why do you read that book then?"
I was a little baffled and I said "thats exactly why I read it!"
"So you have all the answers there?"
I said "May be! I want to find out!"
Then she was back again "do you know where you are going to after this life?"
For a second, I wondered if she was sent from the other world to deliver me away from earth! I got a little curious and I responded with another question... "do you know where you are heading to after your life?"
Pat came the answer - "Heaven!"
Why? Because Jesus will take her to Heaven. Because she has faith in Him.
I was happy for her. And I honestly admired her for the conviction and faith she had in God. Here I was, at a stage of struggling to understand God, Life and nuances of karma - and in front of me was a girl who seems to have understood it all!
I smiled.
But she had more to say... "Please go and get a bible.... read it and you will find all the answers!"
"Sure! When I get time, I will definitely read it", was my response. She did not seem to be happy about it. She insisted that I read it with out fail and subtly indicated that it will clear things that Gita could not answer for me so far.
I was surprised but I was still smiling and said "If you ever read the autobiography of Mahatma Gandhi, you would realize that Gita was his guide whenever encountered tough questions in life. So it is not necessarily the book alone, it is ultimately the recipient who needs to be of a certain standard to receive the knowledge. And it is obvious, that unlike the Mahatma, I am just a beginner on this path and hence I do not find all answers yet! But, yeah... I am definitely open to read the Bible!"
That did not seem to make Hannah too happy. But I still should thank the girl to set me thinking on what exactly living life to the full really means to me!
While I was about to get off the train, she again said "read the bible and it will answer all your questions!"
I have not read the Bible yet directly, but I firmly believe ultimate realization depends on the sincerity and maturity of the recipient of the knowledge and not just the book - be it the Quran, the Bible , the Upanishads or the Gita! And I promised myself to strive to achieve that purity in deed and thought, so that someday I will resonate internally with what I read!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Religious but not Spiritual!
My cousin noticed that I pulled out a book before I hit the bed. She was kind of startled... "what? you ok? you reading Bhagavad Gita?"
Now these kind of reactions have not been very uncommon these days. The other day my wife was a bit visibly disturbed too. She asked me if this was the right age to think of spirituality?
Made me ponder if things have changed so much in my life that people started noticing them? If they did, damn! I am mighty pleased about it! For I think the direction I have chosen is to improve my life and definitely not a retrograde step! And what has age got to do with being spiritual or not? Its the experiences (and what you learn from them) which show you the right path.
I am struggling to be spiritual but I always felt I was farther from the destination than from the source of journey! Yes, I turned religious - that was easier! It has become a fad for people to claim that they are "spiritual but not religious!" Go around and you would see that on descriptions of most orkut profiles!
I will have to confess, inspite of the visual changes that people have been in noticing in my approach to life, I still believe I have at best turned religious. My spiritual journey is yet to start!
Turning religious was not easy for someone who was an atheist for a long while! For someone who believed that even utter chaos could be explained rationally! Even today, I do not want to get into an argument and support the existence of God. My thought process is clear - when I believe in His existence, I am at peace! And thats what matters to me! PEACE!
While being religious may be comparitively easy, even the attempts to turn spiritual are much tougher
I practise very simple exercises to get ready for the spiritual marathon. For example, with practice over 6 months, I now can turn away from the most mouth watering dishes - just with out a second thought! A few months of practise allows me to walk even in the most crowded place with the most beautiful looking girls with out giving any one even a second look.
Now lest we conclude that I am depriving myself of the beauty and pleasures of life, I feel lot more content and happier inside me that I can say NO to any kind of distraction at my will.
Its not that I have given up on sweets. Its not that I have given up on materialistic comforts! Its not that I stopped all my work and started meditating!
In fact, I work harder than ever before. Work keeps my mind uncluttered from negative thougts. It helps me not to think evil of anyone. I work because I realize my potential to contribute to this world through my work. It is no longer purely because of some self agrandizement. I do not claim that the last vestige of selfishness in me is removed - but I can definitely vouch that I am lesser selfish today than what I was yesterday!
And I do know that even my blogs have turned quite serious in nature. Am I aware of it? Heck! Yes! Because one of my first test beds to keep a check on my 'expectations' started on the blogs! When I look back a few months, it suddenly stuck me that I was writing for appreciation of others! While a genuine wish for being appreciated is nothing wrong, but I realized that I did actually visit other people's blogs not necessarily because I enjoyed them, but because that would return the favor and write a few comments on my blog too! I stopped blogging for a few months at a stretch for I had some serious thinking to do - whether I was blogging to 'socialize'? Whether I was blogging to seek 'attention'?
I decided that I will blog once again ONLY when I have learnt to work for myself. I decided that I would visit only those sites which I genuinely love to read. Not because I want them to come back and read my blog! Yes... if someone was interested in reading and sharing their thoughts they were always welcome... and surely it would make me happy... but blog I would ... primarily for myself! And that perhaps changed the complexion of the canvas... because now it started becoming more of 'bouncing board' to clear my concepts of bettering my standards of living.
A similar example was with my rather long hair. Wanted to grow it again... and I asked a simple quesiton "why?". The answer was a resounding "attention" and "appreciation" from others! Straight I went to the barber and ordered for a summer cut!
I have not turned spiritual yet... Its an ocean that I see in front of me. My limbs are not yet strong to help me swim across and hence my status at best today is "religious not yet spiritual!" I am just trying the swimming pools to strengthen my chest and arm muscles to take on the violent ocean later!
Now these kind of reactions have not been very uncommon these days. The other day my wife was a bit visibly disturbed too. She asked me if this was the right age to think of spirituality?
Made me ponder if things have changed so much in my life that people started noticing them? If they did, damn! I am mighty pleased about it! For I think the direction I have chosen is to improve my life and definitely not a retrograde step! And what has age got to do with being spiritual or not? Its the experiences (and what you learn from them) which show you the right path.
I am struggling to be spiritual but I always felt I was farther from the destination than from the source of journey! Yes, I turned religious - that was easier! It has become a fad for people to claim that they are "spiritual but not religious!" Go around and you would see that on descriptions of most orkut profiles!
I will have to confess, inspite of the visual changes that people have been in noticing in my approach to life, I still believe I have at best turned religious. My spiritual journey is yet to start!
Turning religious was not easy for someone who was an atheist for a long while! For someone who believed that even utter chaos could be explained rationally! Even today, I do not want to get into an argument and support the existence of God. My thought process is clear - when I believe in His existence, I am at peace! And thats what matters to me! PEACE!
While being religious may be comparitively easy, even the attempts to turn spiritual are much tougher
I practise very simple exercises to get ready for the spiritual marathon. For example, with practice over 6 months, I now can turn away from the most mouth watering dishes - just with out a second thought! A few months of practise allows me to walk even in the most crowded place with the most beautiful looking girls with out giving any one even a second look.
Now lest we conclude that I am depriving myself of the beauty and pleasures of life, I feel lot more content and happier inside me that I can say NO to any kind of distraction at my will.
Its not that I have given up on sweets. Its not that I have given up on materialistic comforts! Its not that I stopped all my work and started meditating!
In fact, I work harder than ever before. Work keeps my mind uncluttered from negative thougts. It helps me not to think evil of anyone. I work because I realize my potential to contribute to this world through my work. It is no longer purely because of some self agrandizement. I do not claim that the last vestige of selfishness in me is removed - but I can definitely vouch that I am lesser selfish today than what I was yesterday!
And I do know that even my blogs have turned quite serious in nature. Am I aware of it? Heck! Yes! Because one of my first test beds to keep a check on my 'expectations' started on the blogs! When I look back a few months, it suddenly stuck me that I was writing for appreciation of others! While a genuine wish for being appreciated is nothing wrong, but I realized that I did actually visit other people's blogs not necessarily because I enjoyed them, but because that would return the favor and write a few comments on my blog too! I stopped blogging for a few months at a stretch for I had some serious thinking to do - whether I was blogging to 'socialize'? Whether I was blogging to seek 'attention'?
I decided that I will blog once again ONLY when I have learnt to work for myself. I decided that I would visit only those sites which I genuinely love to read. Not because I want them to come back and read my blog! Yes... if someone was interested in reading and sharing their thoughts they were always welcome... and surely it would make me happy... but blog I would ... primarily for myself! And that perhaps changed the complexion of the canvas... because now it started becoming more of 'bouncing board' to clear my concepts of bettering my standards of living.
A similar example was with my rather long hair. Wanted to grow it again... and I asked a simple quesiton "why?". The answer was a resounding "attention" and "appreciation" from others! Straight I went to the barber and ordered for a summer cut!
I have not turned spiritual yet... Its an ocean that I see in front of me. My limbs are not yet strong to help me swim across and hence my status at best today is "religious not yet spiritual!" I am just trying the swimming pools to strengthen my chest and arm muscles to take on the violent ocean later!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
X-aholic!
Every entrepreneur is warned that he has to let-go his personal life before he ventures out on his own. I never really bought into the fear of risk nor loosing your personal time. For I always believed that if you strived enough, you could still get time for your game of tennis in the morning, help your wife a bit (well, atleast you can pretend to help her!), find time to relax and yet work like there never is going to be tommorow!
I thought I maintained that balance quite well for a long time. But recently I realize I am getting addicted to work. I realize that I have not taken a single day off from work in a few months at a stretch now - no sundays, no festivals, no nothings!
I tried justifying it and rationalizing it. But my mind now is kind of stubborn and repeats a very tough question. Is it ok to be addicted to work?
Being a Workaholic - is that acceptable? How different is the lust for work different from lust for alcohol or women? Not very! An addiction is an addiction! Just that being workaholic is a little more culturally accepted norm and probably a little more respected compared to lusts of other categories!
If you go and ask a woman who smokes, she probably would shrug her shoulders and say .. hey you just dont belong to 'my culture'! That doesn't make smoking right - does it? I am not talking about just health reasons here - I am talking about it in a broader scheme of things and I think I would never encourage anyone to smoke. Now half my friends smoke, that doesnt make me hate them - but surely that does not make me approve of the act either!
Now, given my strong reservations against any kind of addiction, do I excuse myself from being addicted to work? I could not play for a month (ofcourse my knee is hurt - but thats an excuse only for a week), and I could not even spend much time with my wife who is carrying a 4 month year old baby! Why? Loads of work! Its not the time I spend at work that disturbs me - but the fact that I could not just leave it at office and it keeps constantly revolving in my mind... which earlier was never the case. But these days it scares me if I am getting addicted to work!
Being workaholic may be socially acceptable and in some cases even be laudable. But for me there are some universal, invariant principles which do not depend on interpretation of culture! And one such rule that I have been learning over the last few months has been not to get addicted to any damn thing in this world - NOTHING!
Can I walk away from anything in this world and not think about it for the second time if need be? Now that does not mean I want to avoid work and not contribute. I feel blessed to have been given the intelligence and energy levels to deliver and contribute in my own little ways to the people around me. And I will never retire into "not doing anything". I want to work with the same energy that I have now... but if need be, I want to be able to switch to ONLY the present.
If I am at home and I talk to my mother, I want to be present just there... not think about office emergencies! Perhaps I am getting there.. or so I thought!
But then I am not too sure how much progress I have made in that direction. Since I did not have a break from work in a few months, a couple of days ago, I called S and proposed that we go out for a long drive. He was ready. I had to break from work! I just had to! We drove around, spent some time in coffee day and off we were driving again. In the beautiful rain that lashed out, we were chatting till I realized it was 1:30 am! And I was about to head home after dropping him at his appartments. Thats when I realized the irony... that I ended up discussing the next expansion plans of my company and validating strategy, processes, pricing and what not with my classmate! The very thought scares me... am I that deeply addicted to work?
It scares me... But the only silver lining is that this has been only a recent phenomena. And since the symptoms have been diagnosed quite early, I hope to curb the addiction with a little more effort!
I thought I maintained that balance quite well for a long time. But recently I realize I am getting addicted to work. I realize that I have not taken a single day off from work in a few months at a stretch now - no sundays, no festivals, no nothings!
I tried justifying it and rationalizing it. But my mind now is kind of stubborn and repeats a very tough question. Is it ok to be addicted to work?
Being a Workaholic - is that acceptable? How different is the lust for work different from lust for alcohol or women? Not very! An addiction is an addiction! Just that being workaholic is a little more culturally accepted norm and probably a little more respected compared to lusts of other categories!
If you go and ask a woman who smokes, she probably would shrug her shoulders and say .. hey you just dont belong to 'my culture'! That doesn't make smoking right - does it? I am not talking about just health reasons here - I am talking about it in a broader scheme of things and I think I would never encourage anyone to smoke. Now half my friends smoke, that doesnt make me hate them - but surely that does not make me approve of the act either!
Now, given my strong reservations against any kind of addiction, do I excuse myself from being addicted to work? I could not play for a month (ofcourse my knee is hurt - but thats an excuse only for a week), and I could not even spend much time with my wife who is carrying a 4 month year old baby! Why? Loads of work! Its not the time I spend at work that disturbs me - but the fact that I could not just leave it at office and it keeps constantly revolving in my mind... which earlier was never the case. But these days it scares me if I am getting addicted to work!
Being workaholic may be socially acceptable and in some cases even be laudable. But for me there are some universal, invariant principles which do not depend on interpretation of culture! And one such rule that I have been learning over the last few months has been not to get addicted to any damn thing in this world - NOTHING!
Can I walk away from anything in this world and not think about it for the second time if need be? Now that does not mean I want to avoid work and not contribute. I feel blessed to have been given the intelligence and energy levels to deliver and contribute in my own little ways to the people around me. And I will never retire into "not doing anything". I want to work with the same energy that I have now... but if need be, I want to be able to switch to ONLY the present.
If I am at home and I talk to my mother, I want to be present just there... not think about office emergencies! Perhaps I am getting there.. or so I thought!
But then I am not too sure how much progress I have made in that direction. Since I did not have a break from work in a few months, a couple of days ago, I called S and proposed that we go out for a long drive. He was ready. I had to break from work! I just had to! We drove around, spent some time in coffee day and off we were driving again. In the beautiful rain that lashed out, we were chatting till I realized it was 1:30 am! And I was about to head home after dropping him at his appartments. Thats when I realized the irony... that I ended up discussing the next expansion plans of my company and validating strategy, processes, pricing and what not with my classmate! The very thought scares me... am I that deeply addicted to work?
It scares me... But the only silver lining is that this has been only a recent phenomena. And since the symptoms have been diagnosed quite early, I hope to curb the addiction with a little more effort!
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