No Shame Please!

I remember when I was in my late teens, I was almost arrested by the police because I stood up and raised my voice against a policeman using unfair force in bullying a rather helpless guy at the railway station. If not for the timely intervention of my dad who came running from behind, I would have ended up being beaten up and thrown in the jail that evening.

For a long time I have been struggling to understand why I have lost that "courage" to stand up for what I believe is right. Was it education? Was it the "influence" of people around me preaching me how important it was to be "diplomatic" and "practical"? I know not, but I surely confess that I had lost a few of my traits and regretfully even compromised on my value system.

I remember a few years ago, I picked up sprite and poured it in my glass and not my usual 'orange' colored mirinda/fanta at a party. Why? Because I wanted people to think I was sipping vodka! I didnt want to be the only guy left out from the "crowd". To be "cool", may be I wanted them not to know that I keep away from alcohol.

A couple of months ago, I saw a grasshopper perched on my bike mirror. In an attempt to get it back onto the tree, I accidentally hit it the other way. It fell right in the centre of the road instead of the trees on the side. I kept looking at the little green creature trot and trying to move to the other side of the road. With so many vehicles whizzing past, it was not an easy task. I kept looking but did not budge to help it - inspite of the fact that I was the guy who was actualy responsible for it to be thrown into that situation. Why? I was thinking "what would the onlookers think of me? That I would go with a paper and save such a small insect and leave it back in the trees?"

I could not stop thinking of the grasshopper even while I was driving back home. Something kept haunting me that yet again I failed to stand up for what came from my heart. I still can remember the little green fellow and the "dot-like" eyes it used to stare right back into mine while it was perched on my bike mirror. I still feel as if it was asking me "was it more important to give into your false ego than to save me from a potential runover by a truck?"

A month ago, I saw a few guys sleeping on the footpath. I just walked on, as if to say "I do not care!" But something kept haunting me again... is it right for me to just walk away from the incident? Am I really that helpless? Would I not have bent backwards to keep one of my customers delighted! And if that earns me a tag of being "extremely professional in business", then what shameful tag should it earn me to just walk away as if I was blind to the poverty and despair around me?

I do not know when I last had even a weekend for myself away from work. Am I running away from a stream of disturbing thoughts that seem to be comming up from deep inside by keeping myself insanely busy? I am not able to answer my own conscience if I have lost my way somewhere in between.

I ought to change myself. And I resolve to do that. And the little step in that would be that I will not hesitate to express and execute what I think is right - atleast in small ways.

I started gazing at the moon as I walk back from home every night from work amidst the cool breeze and I tell myself that I am made by the same creator that made that white heavenly sphere. And I also tell myself that even that moon is not blemishless but it still is so beautiful. So with all the weakness I have, I still wish to make an effort to bring out some beauty in the life around me.

And last week, I was on the tennis court, I am terribly proud that I stopped, picked up an ant from the court and left it in the safety of the grass blades outside the court. This I did while the other three players waited and were looking and smiling at what I did! Now, thats a small step in the direction I want to go... I do not want to be ashamed or feel shy to express what I think is right! I want to live for myself - and with my beliefs even if the whole world mocks at them. I pray that God gives me the courage and will power to stand up for what is right.

Step # 2

The most difficult thing in excercising control is the initial oath. When I read that from Gandhiji's "Experiments with the truth", I started pondering on his observation from his life.

Now, its no more just an academic read. I can now see why he states so. I struggled a lot to take up the vow of turning vegetarian. Myriad of questions thronged my mind. Self doubt about my ability to have my will under my control was the most daunting.

But once the ship started sailing, it was not that rough a ride. Yes, there was some craving for the hyderabadi biryani or the prawns curry for a while in the initial days. Today, I do not even feel the temptation to deviate from my stand. Yes, sometimes the craving kicks in - trust the mind to do it! But that craving just whimpers away as a small rat on the big stage! Its gone even before I notice it!

Encouraged by my own little success, it has given enough confidence to take the step #2. Yesterday I have decided to start version 2 of the changes. Its about killing each of my bad habits - this time its about my thought processes.

I made sure that I have nothing accessible to me which could potentially entice me back to my old style of thinking. I thought that would be the easy part, but believe me it looked like someone was screaming at me not to embark on this new route. There was a huge pull to hold me back! I dont know how I fought that demon called inertia but I decided to set sail on my next interesting voyage.

I have been going through some withdrawal symptoms in trying to adopt this new system in purging all my thoughts. But if I were to go by my experiences of my first set of experiments and their results, I have a belief that sometime sooner or later this will be internalized in me. I do not have to consciously fight it out.

I do not know if I currently have all the wherewithal to reach the destination I have set out for. But I do know that I will find my ways to get there if I work hard enough. I am not under the impression that controlling my thoughts (not just actions) is any easy ask. But theres the target I set for myself and over a few years (or may be a few decades) I hopefully would have weeded out all that symbolizes impurity in me.

And yes! I am enjoying the sailing part as much as the joy of anticipation of reaching my destination! And thats such a big encouragement for me to keep sailing!

How old art Thy?

A few years ago, I had to adjust to being called 'uncle' from 'anna'! I was making a mapping in my mind that I have grown older and should slowly accept being called 'uncle'. Not that I had issues, it just sounded funny that the same guys on the street playing cricket would now yell at me "Ball please UNCLE!" Now that was half a decade ago.

Come another six months, and I am eagerly waiting to be addressed as "DADDY!" Heck! I am growing older day by day! :P

Its not always that you want to be young. Infact sometimes I wish I looked older. When I used to meet people to talk about my software product, I was amused when people used to enquire about my age - does it matter I used to ask myself? I am here to talk business with you. I am here because of a belief that I can add value to your business and why should you be bothered about my age?

One of my dreams from the company I set up is to facilitate education in remote areas of India. In this regard, I once went on a trip to some rural and semi-urban areas to check out the technical feasibility. I almost fell off my chair when one gentleman in Bhimavaram first asked me my age and then followed up with whether I was married! And that was even before I explained to him about my software that should help him! My uncle later explained to me that he was looking for a suitable "groom" for his daughter! (Now! What a way to find a son-in-law! - Shaadi.com - are you listening? )

And then I started taking it as a compliment. Specially when they tell me that they could not tell me apart from the kids preparing for their 12th class exams! :) But then, while it did make me feel happy, I soon realized that I desperately needed to look older if people were to take me serious! I am not here to feel flattered, I am here on business!

My father's brother has a similar issue. He is one of India's finest liver transplant surgeons in India, but since he is quite young, he jokes around that he tries to look older to help his patients psychologically! :)

Now I wonder what it is with age? I have also fallen into that trap of believing that the older a person is, the more responsible the person shall be. But I was proved utterly wrong. So these days I believe that a person is who he is ... nothing to do with the age! Age brings in wisdom only to those people who value their experiences and better their thoughts, actions and behavior by each passing moment. Age has effectively zero significance in adding to wisdom for people who choose to have a very short term memory of their experiences and continue to behave in an irresponsible and reckless manner.

Having said that I learnt that age has got nothing to do with wisdom or trustworthiness of a person, I still do my best to look older when I meet my potential customers. I am an engineer who loves to interact with the market even though I do not come from a sales background. But I take my sales pitches very seriously. When it comes to age and looking older, I make sure that I am in formals when I step out of my office.

Otherwise, when I go to my office its always a t-shirt and shorts for me. Since when I am in my office, I do not need to pretend to be more "wise" with my colleagues. In fact, I should confess that I like it when they call me "bhaiyya" or "anna", so much so that "sir" has been officially banned in my office :)

Just a couple of days ago, after quite a gap, some one actually asked me the same "dreaded" question - "Raghu, how old are you?". Believe me! That was the first question he asked me! But I actually felt happy when he asked. For I could make out that he asked me not to doubt my capability in delivering on my promises. He genuinely felt happy with the energy levels I showed in my pitch and he just wanted to know a few details about when I started my company, etc etc. At the end of the meeting, he entrusted me to rollout tuningfork for all his 70 schools. Now that was the biggest deal I ever closed! May be its time that I can call myself a sales-pro now! :P

Nah... I am better off being an engineer :) Old or young, doesn't matter... as long as people like me for any little value addition that I bring into their organizations and their lives!

Fives?

Yet another tag from Impulsive Outpourings. Two tags on the same day? I guess this a way of taking your revenge for cheering for you in your TT matches? ;)

(1) What were you doing 5 years ago?
Working at India Software Labs, IBM.

(2) What are 5 things on your to-do list for today?
Zzzzz... (5 Zs in the snore) as I intend to sleep in a few minutes! :P

(3) What are 5 snacks you enjoy?
I will list them out only if you promise to deliver them to my house.

(4) What are five things you would do if you were a billionaire
Here is my ICICI account number - 341267845 - Please do the needful and I will practically demonstrate it to you! :P

(5) What are five jobs you’ve had?
Do you work for jobsahead.com? ;) Sorry.. am not looking for a change right now!

One Veggie Mc Please!

For twenty nine years, I can barely remember when I ordered a Veg pizza or a veg burger! I wasn't too sure if I could keep up my resolution of turning vegetarian!

Three months ago, I resolved that there needs to be some wholesale changes in the way I live my life. And one of them had been in controlling what I eat. I must confess that the very next day I broke my resolution as I gave into the temptation of eating chicken biryani. That incident raised a lot of self doubts in whether I can actually go about implementing the changes in my life that I was seeking for.

There is one quote which kept ringing back in my head.... "only the worm does not stumble! Everyone else does!" I resolved to have more control over my senses this time around.

Everytime I saw those helpless hens clipped off their freedom and being butchered, it made my resolve stronger. I asked myself the tough question - "is my momentary pleasure more important than their lifetime agony?"

Controlling diet was not alien to me. Being a fitness freak I always maintained a well balanced diet. But the reasons this time are very different - its not about health, its not only about compassion to other living things, but its about controlling from indulgence.

There has been so much going on in my life externally. Infact so much happening on my professional front that I have to consciously slowdown to strike a balance with my personal life. But I think last few months have been so hectic in a different direction... an urge to conquer my earthly desires. Being an entrepreneur, it is not the easiest thing to strike a balance of controlling the desires and yet strive for betterment of the setup that I run. But thankfully, there have been multiple sources from where I get my direction and inspiration.

Books, my teacher and my own innerself - have been very useful in helping me show the direction. A book which has profoundly influenced my decision to turn veggie is Mahatma Gandhi's "My experiments with the Truth". I have heard from various sources (including my recent 'art of living' classes) that the food we eat dictates our senses. But I must confess that I have been "arrogant" enough to believe I was a very strong-willed person and I could control my thoughts without resorting to changes in dietary habits. But as I read through Gandhiji's autobiography, one question started staring in my face - "What the hell do you think of yourself? A Mahatma like Gandhiji found it useful to control his diet and where do you stand?"

Yes... sprouts for breakfast soon replaced dosas and vadas. Am not able to give up spices completely yet. But here is a start and I must say that I see a lot of changes in me already.

I started hesitantly but in the last 3 months, I have had various ocassions of temptations. But I will tell you that the happiness and pride I have in not giving in for those momentary pleasures is immeasurable.

According to Gautama Buddha in Dhammapada, one who conquers himself and his desires is a thousand times more powerful than the warrior who has slain a thousand men on the battlefield. Now when I read that, surely I was inspired to try that. But I will admit I was scared too. I doubted whether I can even start the journey.

My teacher encouraged me to meditate to calm down my inner conflicts. Again to be honest, my "ego" started dancing and I said "I dont need meditation to cool me down! I am born intelligent and I shall find answers through my intellectual skills!". But then something prodded me to start meditation which definitely introduced me to what I now consider as the finest form to connect with the one-ness of life! Well, its not all rosy and I still struggle very hard to feel that bliss, but I will confess that I do notice that meditation gives me a lot of strength from within. It generates a feeling of compassion to life (specially the weaker ones) which most probably was absent (or at best inactive) in me earlier.

I can sometimes get a little difficult to handle for my over eagerness to do things in a fast pace! Everytime my teacher tried to congratulate me on every little step I could take, I would always ask her if there would be a day where I could walk free from all temptations even with options and temptations right around me!

As if to answer my question, I had to make a trip to the Forum mall with my wife. I wondered if I could really keep up my experiments when I walk into a place of so many distractions! I have resolved not to give any girl a second look however beautiful she might be! And here I am walking into a place like Forum where all the girls would come in their best attire, some of them even in short skirts. I wondered if I could still walk through that crowd with out reacting to any of the external stimulus. I have not been 100% in the past in this experiment - I think I did turn around a couple of times to have a second look in the last few months - and here I was wondering if I could actually do it in the shopping mall.

I went around the mall... spent sometime with the books there in Landmark. Surprisingly I did manage not to give anyone a second look even from the corner of my eyes! We walked to Mc Donalds. Feeling a bit odd, but with out a second thought I proudly said "Veggie Mac Please"! Yes I said VEGGIE!

The evening reassured me that I was capable of sticking to my resolutions if I try hard enough. Sticking to my resolutions for three months by avoiding to go to the eating joint is one thing. But to turn it away when it is just a 'pick away' is something different! And I felt elated with that.

The same evening also showed me to let go all the things that my intellectual brain ever taught me and to embrace and listen to my inner voice. But then things do not end here...

What I really have achieved here is to control my actions not necessarily the thoughts. The urge to take care of my stomach and other senses still lingered on. It is just that I have learnt to refuse to give them any leeway. But an ideal situation would be to not even your thoughts wander. Tall ask, but I would believe that would be the next logical thing to follow. And I seek encouragement from what caught my attention from Bhagwad Geetha - "When you abstain from the object of desire (maya), the urge still lingers on. When you realize your full potential with the help of Grace even that urge gets annihilated!"

Well... that could take a lifetime. Atleast this time around I would not want to be arrogant to believe that its a cakewalk!

Seven Life Savers!

Life is getting stale... and I was wondering what seven things could breathe a bit of freshness into it!

Here is the list of seven path breaking inventions that I feel will have to be made sooner than later! ;-)

Invention 1: Metallic Bed sheets
Yes you heard that right! Poor Wifey spends half her little free time on setting up that bed! I wonder why she doesnt understand that there is actually no need for setting it up. It takes less than 2 minutes to get the creases all over again! If she understood she wouldnt yell at me that I am a pig wallowing on that bed! But instead of attempting the almost impossible task of convincing my wife that I am a homo-sapien, and that bed sheets are meant to be creased, I wish someone invented metal bedsheets - crease free .... no need to fold... just slide them on!


Invention 2: The flying broom!
Traffic? How I wish someone invented the flying broom on which you could perch on and fly over everyone! I can then also go back to TYS and tell him that you dont need to be necessarily short to get strategic angles of watching the pretty bangalore babes! :P

Invention 3: Keys with a tring-trong

I misplace my keys so often and its such a drain of my energy! I misplace my phone too... but my phone is more behaved and loyal to me! I just need to call and it will answer me back with a ring - "hey! You left me here! Pick me up!" - I wish keys also came up with a number and responded just like the phone!

Invention 4: Wireless Power

Wires! Just hate them! Look at my laptop in the office and you will know what I mean! And btw, I use lots of wireless gadgets...my router, my keyboard etc... Inspite of that you can see so many wires all over! All my USB ports are clogged! Yes I hear you .. bluetooth! But I want even electric power to be transmitted wireless! How about charging your mobile phone through a wireless mechanism?

Someone said that you might die of a shock if electricity got transmitted through the air! Well I would die of stress anyways when I see so many wires!

Invention 5: Diet Pizzas

I feel miserable and guilty everytime I hog on anything tasty! Some unwritten rule seems to be that everything tasty ought to have calories attached with it! Can someone make the same yummy pizzas with out the calories in that cheese? I wish I could eat them without counting how many hours of work-out has been negated?

Invention 6: Human Blinkers

It takes women centuries to decide what they need! Then it takes decades for them to select which make would be fine! And then a few years to finally the color! And then while they walk out to the billin section, God save you if they spot something else (which they always manage to) attractive! So how about blinkers for the mistress? Easy on pocket, time and effort!

Innovation 7: Cooking Geometry Box
Does the chapati have to be circular? Doesnt life get monotonous to eat the same round chapatis night after night?

Everytime I roll the dough I always end up getting better geometrical shapes! First of all that damn thing always sticks to the wooden slab that I roll it on! And when I do manage to get something out, its either a rectangle, sometimes it could be a pentagon, a hexagon or any polygon with n sides! :)

Or better still it could represent a perfect amoeba shape! Amoeba chapatis... yummy as they can be!

I know you will agree that it is boring and monotonous to eat the same round-round chapatis. But my wife doesnt seem to understand! Then I tell her it will just anyway end up in your tummy... round-round or amoeba-amoeba! But then I think it will be easier to buy a Cooking geometry box instead!

I can take the compass out and then make a perfect circle before I toast it! I can probably use the protractor and the set-squares to accurately measure and cut the vegetables in appropriate shapes and sizes!

There goes my wishlist! Whats yours?

IP Address please!

Why dont people just have unique names? It can surely save a few embarassing situations ... if only people had unique names!

I got a beautiful ecard from this guy called Kiran yesterday. Kiran Kumar? Who kiran? Which Kiran? Thota Kiran (my classmate?) or is K2 (my school mate?) or is it .... which Kiran Kumar... half a dozen names and I couldnt figure out which one actually sent me this card...

So I decided to be 'smart' and play it 'safe' - I just replied in a very casual tone ... "thanks... how r u ? where are you these days?" - as if to ask whether he is still in the USA or has he returned to India.

and my my .. here is the surprise! - this is the mail I get back from him!


-----Original Message-----
From: kiran kumar
Sent: Wednesday, November 28, 2007 10:51 AM
To: Raghu
Subject: Re: An anniversary wish from kiran kumar

Good morning Boss...
this is kiran....
i am one of the members in ur company.


On 11/27/07, Raghu <raghu@............> wrote:

Hey Thanks a lot!
Whats up with you? Where r u these days?



Now now ... tell me how am I going to guess that someone who sits in my office would actually send me an ecard and that too after wishing me in the morning? But yeah a very sweet gesture :)

I wish each of us had a unique number instead of names.. so there is no ambiguity! :P How about an IP address? ;-)

Or have a really *llllloooooonnnnnnnggggggg* name so that there is no chance of anyone else having it too! :P

Challenge here... anyone with a longer name than "Kanchustambham Srinivasa Raghavendra"? My parents were smart... werent they? :P Just that I used to find it impossible to fit that full name on OMR sheets for exams! :P

And then I met YVVS Siva Nagendra on the campus! Yellamanchili Veera Venkata Sathya Siva Nagendra! Oops... Siva... dont sue me if I got any part of this name wrong.... well, I wonder if he will get his own name right! :P

Perhaps IP addresses are better! ;-)